Recollections & Anticipations

     So I've been sitting here, and thoroughly thinking about where Haley was this time last year. I'm very aware of the fact that my perspective on life, and all it entails, has drastically changed. I still remember the fear I experienced while contemplating sleep; knowing that the second my eyes closed and mind drifted, the nightmares would begin. Simply thinking about turning my little Honda Civic right on to exit 221 caused my heart to beat much too quickly. I would have rather stayed in Cookeville, alone, than drive back to that city of memories. I believe I blogged about deserts, before driving the 72 miles "home."
     That month, was full of crying if I remember correctly. It was full of doubts, questions, and anxiety from being in a place that I no longer felt I belonged. I wrote in my journal before leaving,

 "I'm not going to let the devil keep me from giving glory to God." 

     Yet, I felt so alone. I spent that month going through the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. (My sweet friend Shelby let me borrow it.) I wrote down,

"Having faith often means doing what others see as crazy. 

Something is very wrong when our lives don't seem crazy to unbelievers."

     How true is that?
(I really need to remember that quote as I go into my winter in Washington. ;] )
In the middle of my time in Hermitage, I wrote,

"January 1, 2012: New year, New life.

Desert.

I asked for a desert, and the Lord certainly has given me one. 

A dry, very dry, desert; & it proved something. 

I'm not as awesome as I thought I was. 

I'm weak; as is my faith. 

I'm trying to grab parts of my life back for myself, 

and I CAN'T do that and keep the JOY. 

I need Jesus, so much. 

That's what the desert shows. I have so much pride, and I am extremely vain.

This dry spell has been just so.. great. :/

I guess I did ask for it. Why did I do that again?

Closeness with Jesus, right. 

Well, I sure achieved closeness with something. :/

Myself, my bed, my thoughts.

My mirror, my pathetic sulking.

*I have let the worst come of the desert. 

Lesson? Don't try doing things myself.*

I've stayed in prayer, and the word. But I planned it.

I "made time" for it. I didn't rely on it, or make it priority.

But, 2 weeks of desert remaining. 2 weeks to let God mold me..

Plus the rest of my life. I suppose I shouldn't put a time constraint on God. 

"Change my heart in the next week, Lord!"-though that would be nice.

God doesn't ask for 97%. He asks for all or nothing. 100%,

I've been trying to get away with 50% lately, and that's me being generous to myself..

Not good. I need a come to Jesus moment."

     My main purpose of this blog, is not to just babble, I promise. I'm attempting to prepare myself to be away from sweet Cookeville, hopefully learning from my mistakes last year. In the same way that I returned to Hermitage last year, a complete transformation from the time I left; I will again return even less of that Haley than before. I love that! Less of me, to make room for more of Him. I am beyond excited to be with my family, and especially to be in Washington for Christmas. I've been blessed, once again, with such an incredible opportunity to be with my cousins. Last time I was with all of my family, I heard the Lord so clearly..and I'm anticipating experiencing that again. I also felt incredibly attacked by the enemy, in the area of my eating disorder. A good friend quickly reminded me that the enemy attacks most when he senses the Lord working, and boy was He working. (Hopefully he was preparing.:))I just can't wait to see how God works this Christmas, not only in my own life, but also in the lives of my family. 

     These are some of the passages that the Lord has placed (and re-placed) on my heart throughout these past few weeks, and definitely what I am planning on dwelling in when I feel far from the Lord. I hope they are able to encourage you as they have done for me!

2 Corinthians 12:7-10
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given to me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me, but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Isaiah 12:1-2

I will praise you, O Lord.

Although you were angry with me,

your anger ahs turned away

and you have comforted me.

Surely god is my salvation;

I will trust and not be afraid.

The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song;

He has become my salvation.

Romans 12:1-2
It says, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God- this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

1 Samuel 12:16
Now then, stand still and see this great thing the Lord is about to do before your eyes.

1 Samuel 12: 20-24
"Do not be afraid," Samuel replied. "You have done all this evil; yet do not turn away from the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. Do not turn away after useless idols. They can do you no good, nor can they rescue you, because they are useless. For the sake of His great name, the Lord will not reject His people, because the Lord was pleased to make you His own. As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right. But be sure to fear the Lord and serve Him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things He has done for you."

Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with persev66terance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such oposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:12-13
Therefore, strenthen your feeble arms arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be sidabled, but rather healed.

     I know that the Lord has placed me on the path I am currently on for a reason. Even the simple things, like my major which requires student teaching.. totally for a reason. I had my interview for the teacher education program here at Tech on 12/12/12, and was interviewed by the most encouraging woman. We spent my entire interview talking about Zimbabwe. I'm just amazed how the Lord can use such mundane tasks to uplift my spirit. Seriously, I was not in any way excited about my interview. It wasn't that I was nervous or dreading it.. it was just another simple thing on my checklist. Yet it has led to what I hope to be a beautiful friendship that I can maintain over the years. SERIOUSLY, how good is my God?:) I couldn't stop smiling about it all day, and my mind is continually blown as the days go by. Zimbabwe, hmm. You never cease to surprise me.

PS-to the random 3 people who may actually read my blog.. please keep my family in your prayers over this Christmas holiday. I'm extremely anxious(in a good way) to see what the Lord has in store for everyone. :)

HE IS ENOUGH, ALWAYS.
HE IS GOOD, ALWAYS.
HE IS FAITHFUL, ALWAYS.
HE IS LOVE, ALWAYS.
                                                                   -Haley Michelle.

My heart is taken by a walking, talking, singing, miracle boy,

     Since the day that you came into this world, my heart has been yours for the taking; And I know that a part of it will always be yours. Because the feeling, it never goes away. That feeling of panic that gathers in my chest, when I know that you're in trouble.
     I remember each instance like it happened only yesterday. I remember that first sinking feeling, when you were 2. You put that life saver in your mouth, and the minute it slid down your throat while joking around with me, you stopped breathing. You gasped for air, staring at me, your face turning colors. I can feel it, see it, I can hear it. "HALEY! Pray NOW!", said mom as she called the ambulance. I knelt, in full panic, and begged the Lord to save your life. "In Jesus' name, Amen," said a much smaller Haley. Out came the candy, shooting from your mouth like it was spring loaded. Miraculous. The paramedics showed up minutes later, only to find a little boy who was perfectly fine. "It just popped out on Amen!", explained mom.
     A year later, we were doing the same thing, downstairs this time. Leaning against the couch, hitting the backs of our heads on it's surface. Laughing, as usual. That's when the blood came; pouring from the back of your little head. A pressure spot, they said. You'd hit it just right. I'd never seen so much blood, and we were terrified. The sinking feeling came again.. I was going to lose you. But, you lived. Dad held that wash cloth with pressure to the back of your head for hours, and we prayed. Your teeny white shirt was never the same. Stained red. But you lived, and you thrived.
     Dad was making bacon, and had SPECIFICALLY said, "Stay out of the kitchen, because bacon grease is dangerous." Toddlers do what they want.. even when it results in a pan of bacon grease fully coating your head. You ran past, full speed, and knocked the pan right out of his hands. Your scream. Mom praying. My heart began to hurt, beating faster than I thought possible. I still remember the look on your face as we put your head under the bath tub faucet, the water only hardening the grease. You were in so much pain. It should have gone in your eyes.. given you 3rd degree facial burns. You should have had weeks, months, of recovery. But you didn't. Miraculously, you were fine.
    You're 7. I'm 10. We're tree climbers. Mom and I are hanging inside, when we walk past the front window. Across the street, we see a scrawny little boy hanging from the tree across the street. He's hanging by his shirt, which is wrapped around his neck. You had tried to jump out of a tree, and the result was you nearly strangling yourself with your own t-shirt. The branch caught onto your t-shirt, and you were stuck, and losing the ability to breathe. Mom and I ran to you just in time, to help you get un-stuck. Just one more tragedy in your life..in my life.. that was averted.
      You're still in elementary school, and the phone rings. It's the neighbors down the street saying you'd hit your head pretty hard while in the swimming pool. I didn't wait to hear the details, I just ran out the door, all the way to the neighbor's house until I got to you. I was already crying at that point, chest pounding with fear. I believe I jumped a few fences to get there.. but after a few minutes of confusion, you were okay. No damage done.
     It's summer, and you're been in Las Vegas. A truck full of grown dudes have tried to jump you. They hit you upside the head. Once more, you aren't killed, when statistics say you very easily could have been. You are defiant, and they let you go anyways. They drive away. You yell after them. You live.
     I'm 17, and celebrating TJ's birthday. My cell phone rings. It's mom. I lift the phone to my ear, "Haley? *beep..beep..beep* Haley are you there?" In panic, I ask her what's going on. Is it Cody? Is Cody okay? She tells me it's Cody. I run to the bathroom, and vomit. I can't breathe, and I realize that this is it. It's finally here. I'm really going to lose you this time. Why my first response wasn't prayer at this point is a complete mystery to me. Thank the Lord mom and dad have faith the size of mountains. I spent a few moments trying to compose myself, just enough to be able to hear mom say to me, "Your brother overdosed. They've pumped his stomach, and he's semi-stable at this point. He still isn't sure who everyone is." TJ's mom drove us to the hospital, as I was very unable to drive. I'll never forget the feeling of having you not know who I was. I wanted to throw up all over again. I was scared, angry, confused. I've had a lot of scary nights, but that one definitely makes the top 5. I watched as you slowly but surely were able to understand what was going on. I remember when you finally recognized me, "Why is Sissy here? Sissy, is that you?" You were so full of fear, and all I wanted to do was take that fear from you. The things you saw, I couldn't see. But I saw the fear in your eyes. It was so real to you, and you were afraid for me. Thirteen is too young to go, but I was just sure that the time had finally come when God was going to take you from me. It would give me just one more reason to be angry with God, but at this point, I wasn't. I was just angry in general. I was in the 11th grade, and finally realized something. Your life had been saved. Lorazepam and Sudafed, you shouldn't be able to come back from that..but you did.. as always.

     How in the world can your life be explained? Why are you still here? Immortal, super hero, strongest man alive? Doubtful.
     So the more likely explanation? You are a miracle, and God isn't done with you yet. Every day I struggle, fearing the next thing to come in your life which tries to take you from me. Every day, I have to lay your life down, and remember that God has a plan for your life, He always has. I don't think He's quite finished using you here on Earth. I trust that the Lord will take care of you, just like He always has in the past. You'll always have my heart, and you'll always be my baby. My most prized possession. But because of that, I will never, ever, give up hope that one day you'll see the truth. You are a miracle. You are a gift. You have a purpose, so much bigger than yourself.