PREPARE YOURSELF FOR MY RAMBLING.
This summer, was incredible. Honestly, I feel like I had five summers. I spent my first month pretty much in isolation. It was something I know God needed me to go through, no matter how difficult it may have been. Then I spent two weeks at Lighthouse Christian Camp, with those incredible girls. I seem to have blogged about those experiences. That was my first summer, and my second summer.
This summer, was incredible. Honestly, I feel like I had five summers. I spent my first month pretty much in isolation. It was something I know God needed me to go through, no matter how difficult it may have been. Then I spent two weeks at Lighthouse Christian Camp, with those incredible girls. I seem to have blogged about those experiences. That was my first summer, and my second summer.
I spent my third summer in Zimbabwe, with the most incredible team that I could have ever asked for. God placed every single one of those people on my team for a very specific reason.
I learned so much about life, and love, and relying on God in all circumstances. I learned what relationships are supposed to look like, and what it looks like to find joy in things that can't be physically held. I learned that we don't need perfect legs to be happy.. or even legs that work. I learned what being selfless really looks like, and that my relationship with Christ can't be dependent on the way I feel or the passion in my heart. I learned that I idolize feelings. I learned that ice cream won't kill me, and neither will not going running for a month and a half. I learned what selfless praying ACTUALLY feels like, and then realized it was something I'd seldom experienced. I learned that skin color means nothing at all, and that body size means even less. I learned that makeup sucks, and so does showering. I learned that I don't have much control when it comes to this world, but that it doesn't mean I can't praise the one who does. I learned that God speaks to me on both sides of the world, about things happening everywhere. My God is big. I learned that God isn't about meeting my expectations.. He's about surpassing them. I learned that tea time isn't about the tea, it's about the people. I learned that every time is a good time to bring up the Lord, because the Lord is in everything. I learned that not only could nine year old American girls change my life, but so could six year old Zimbos. God is into the details.
I learned so much about life, and love, and relying on God in all circumstances. I learned what relationships are supposed to look like, and what it looks like to find joy in things that can't be physically held. I learned that we don't need perfect legs to be happy.. or even legs that work. I learned what being selfless really looks like, and that my relationship with Christ can't be dependent on the way I feel or the passion in my heart. I learned that I idolize feelings. I learned that ice cream won't kill me, and neither will not going running for a month and a half. I learned what selfless praying ACTUALLY feels like, and then realized it was something I'd seldom experienced. I learned that skin color means nothing at all, and that body size means even less. I learned that makeup sucks, and so does showering. I learned that I don't have much control when it comes to this world, but that it doesn't mean I can't praise the one who does. I learned that God speaks to me on both sides of the world, about things happening everywhere. My God is big. I learned that God isn't about meeting my expectations.. He's about surpassing them. I learned that tea time isn't about the tea, it's about the people. I learned that every time is a good time to bring up the Lord, because the Lord is in everything. I learned that not only could nine year old American girls change my life, but so could six year old Zimbos. God is into the details.
I also learned, that God knows me better than I know myself. God knows. God knows that there are some things that may be too hard for me to handle all at once, like saying goodbye to little Jeffery and seeing Adrian sick from HIV all in one day. Worrying about my brother being alone, my best friend fighting a stronghold, all while trying to sing with Prim Rose in her wheel chair. God knows that it would have been too much for me to handle. So after week one, he took all of my feelings away, and didn't give them back until I stepped foot into my Hermitage bedroom. Every ounce of passion that I possessed, He took away. He then asked me what it was I was standing on. Him? Or the way He made me feel.. I didn't have an answer. I begged, for Him to give me back what I so deeply longed for. My feelings. I just wanted to FEEL. I thought that any feeling would be better that the numbness God had given me. The numbness He gave me as temporary protection. Godknows. Godknows Prim Rose, Jeffery, Adrian, Brandon, Awakiwi, and God knows me. He knows my heart, and my pain. He knows that I never could have played so joyfully with Awa or Adrian had I felt the full pain of knowing the short life they will most likely live.
Kids shouldn't die young, it's something we've always heard and known as a fact. & Godknows how much of a sore subject that is in my heart. For the first time, I found peace in my heart about Elijah, the sweet boy that I babysat growing up, thanks to Adrian and Awa. I spent many nights talking with my team about our kids. It was difficult for us to talk aloud about the numbers, and the facts. Because our kids aren't numbers, percentages, or statistics. Our kids are small, joyful, silly, singing, hugging, human beings.. just like Elijah. The only difference this time was that my kids were brown, and I know up front that they will die young. My team had to get to the point that we could praise God for the short amount of time that our kids have been given, and that we were able to be a part of their lives. We had to thank God for all of the hardships that our kids will be spared, and that many will get to spend eternity with Him, with no more pain or sick days. Praise God for the plans He has for their lives. So small, but given so much purpose. By being forced to work through.. in advance.. the death of kids I treasure, I also had to work through Elijah's death. God honestly brought it up in multiple ways, not only through my kids. It was crazy, because I'd never done that before. I had already let go of my anger, forgiven God for taking him from me, and I acknowledged that He has a purpose for all things. Yet, I never had been able to thank God for sparing Elijah pain. To see how much Elijah benefited from it. Does that makes sense? Elijah, my sweet baby, never had to experience so much of the hurt that I went through in middle or high school. He had a child's faith, and then went to be with The One who loves him most. Jesus
.
To live is Christ, and to die is gain.
-Philippians 1:21
Elijah got the gain. How cool is that? Rather than being angry, or focusing on the loss that I experienced, I should have been rejoicing for these past 5 years! God is good!
With food? God absolutely blew my mind. This girl right here ate plates full of spagetti, rolls, ice cream, "biscuits"(cookies), milkshakes, beef, ostrich, sadza, and lots and lots of vanilla snaps. The even cooler part? I ENJOYED it. If you would have told me last year that I would be in that place where I could joyfully and triumphantly eat those things, I would have laughed and told you I have better self-control than that. Little did I realize, my lettuce and chicken had control over ME, not the other way around. I made a decision, that I would not eat a single grilled chicken salad until I returned to the States; I would not allow myself to find comfort in safe food. My team mates were always so encouraging to me, in the simplest of ways. They let God and I push through the crazy food, without overwhelming me by talking about it all the time. Every once in a while they'd throw a little, "Haley, I'm seriously so proud of you," my way. But just often enough that it wasn't given an opportunity to consume my thoughts. There were moments when I felt that I wouldn't be able to put one more unhealthy thing in my mouth without exploding emotionally, or physically out of my clothing. Yet, God held my hand through it all, walking me through toast, and overloads of honey with peanut butter. God is faithful.
(there's a fried baby fish on my tongue)
(Making Sadza with Maggie)
(buying samosas at the market!)
(Trying to swallow a fried caterpillar)
God gave me Prim, to sing with and focus my attention on. It's easy to forget what I've eaten in a day when I have a 6 year old to push around or carry. Prim, like the birds of the air, does not worry about what she will or has eaten, because she knows her mom will provide. Even if it's just sadza, Prim eats her fill and moves on. She does not worry about whether she can do the hokey pokey properly or not, because that is not where her joy comes from. I complain about the extra layer of fat covering my legs, making my clothes fit too tightly, yet Prim has legs that do not work. They don't move, they don't feel, and they don't walk. Yet my sweet girl is so full of joy! He has put a new song in her heart and mouth. Has He not done the same for me?! YES! Yet I'm so quick to push it away, and idolize things that are not in the least bit eternal. This body, is not eternal. This skin, is not eternal. My soul? Now that is eternal. I realize now that I can't put so much time and effort into correcting something I see as flawed, when it will only exist for a fleeting moment. The blink of an eye.
Kids shouldn't die young, it's something we've always heard and known as a fact. & Godknows how much of a sore subject that is in my heart. For the first time, I found peace in my heart about Elijah, the sweet boy that I babysat growing up, thanks to Adrian and Awa. I spent many nights talking with my team about our kids. It was difficult for us to talk aloud about the numbers, and the facts. Because our kids aren't numbers, percentages, or statistics. Our kids are small, joyful, silly, singing, hugging, human beings.. just like Elijah. The only difference this time was that my kids were brown, and I know up front that they will die young. My team had to get to the point that we could praise God for the short amount of time that our kids have been given, and that we were able to be a part of their lives. We had to thank God for all of the hardships that our kids will be spared, and that many will get to spend eternity with Him, with no more pain or sick days. Praise God for the plans He has for their lives. So small, but given so much purpose. By being forced to work through.. in advance.. the death of kids I treasure, I also had to work through Elijah's death. God honestly brought it up in multiple ways, not only through my kids. It was crazy, because I'd never done that before. I had already let go of my anger, forgiven God for taking him from me, and I acknowledged that He has a purpose for all things. Yet, I never had been able to thank God for sparing Elijah pain. To see how much Elijah benefited from it. Does that makes sense? Elijah, my sweet baby, never had to experience so much of the hurt that I went through in middle or high school. He had a child's faith, and then went to be with The One who loves him most. Jesus
.
To live is Christ, and to die is gain.
-Philippians 1:21
Elijah got the gain. How cool is that? Rather than being angry, or focusing on the loss that I experienced, I should have been rejoicing for these past 5 years! God is good!
With food? God absolutely blew my mind. This girl right here ate plates full of spagetti, rolls, ice cream, "biscuits"(cookies), milkshakes, beef, ostrich, sadza, and lots and lots of vanilla snaps. The even cooler part? I ENJOYED it. If you would have told me last year that I would be in that place where I could joyfully and triumphantly eat those things, I would have laughed and told you I have better self-control than that. Little did I realize, my lettuce and chicken had control over ME, not the other way around. I made a decision, that I would not eat a single grilled chicken salad until I returned to the States; I would not allow myself to find comfort in safe food. My team mates were always so encouraging to me, in the simplest of ways. They let God and I push through the crazy food, without overwhelming me by talking about it all the time. Every once in a while they'd throw a little, "Haley, I'm seriously so proud of you," my way. But just often enough that it wasn't given an opportunity to consume my thoughts. There were moments when I felt that I wouldn't be able to put one more unhealthy thing in my mouth without exploding emotionally, or physically out of my clothing. Yet, God held my hand through it all, walking me through toast, and overloads of honey with peanut butter. God is faithful.
God gave me Prim, to sing with and focus my attention on. It's easy to forget what I've eaten in a day when I have a 6 year old to push around or carry. Prim, like the birds of the air, does not worry about what she will or has eaten, because she knows her mom will provide. Even if it's just sadza, Prim eats her fill and moves on. She does not worry about whether she can do the hokey pokey properly or not, because that is not where her joy comes from. I complain about the extra layer of fat covering my legs, making my clothes fit too tightly, yet Prim has legs that do not work. They don't move, they don't feel, and they don't walk. Yet my sweet girl is so full of joy! He has put a new song in her heart and mouth. Has He not done the same for me?! YES! Yet I'm so quick to push it away, and idolize things that are not in the least bit eternal. This body, is not eternal. This skin, is not eternal. My soul? Now that is eternal. I realize now that I can't put so much time and effort into correcting something I see as flawed, when it will only exist for a fleeting moment. The blink of an eye.
"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary,
but what is unseen is eternal.
-2 Corinthians 4:18
Prim Rose understands that, and she's only 6. What has been holding me back from that complete joy? Myself, my body, and my idols. My flesh, literally. It took a little Zimbo 6 year old to teach me that huge life lesson. It's one that I hope to never forget. "Prim Rose means Rose."
"God came to me, and he slammed my book shut.
Ripped my flower out of the soil.
I hated god, so very much.
My blood began to boil.
I realized what it was like,
to have your heart break.
To have it ripped right out of your chest.
The boy that I'd loved,
and could almost call my own,
now in the ground does rest."("My Story"-2008)
Funny how God keeps giving me sweet flowers; flowers that I can't always keep or counsel or babysit. God loves Elijah, and God loves Prim. God loves Sydney, and God loves Ruthie. Whether the flower is 5, 6, or 9, GodKnows the plans He has for them.
For I know the plans I have for you,"
declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.
-Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,"
declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.
-Jeremiah 29:11
Sometimes that plan is scary, or simply involves eating sadza and raw onion for every meal.
Sometimes it involves cars that hit, or legs that don't work; Parents that leave, fight, or strike.
& Sometimes, God's plan for a life involves an early death.
Sometimes, God spares children. I know that sounds backwards, but after this summer I've realized how much we've twisted death. Elijah was most definitely given hope and a future. I know my precious boy is up there prospering more than anyone here on earth. He's resting safe in our Savior's arms. & if anything more were to happen to one of my little girls, I know that the same would be true for them.
Sometimes it involves cars that hit, or legs that don't work; Parents that leave, fight, or strike.
& Sometimes, God's plan for a life involves an early death.
Sometimes, God spares children. I know that sounds backwards, but after this summer I've realized how much we've twisted death. Elijah was most definitely given hope and a future. I know my precious boy is up there prospering more than anyone here on earth. He's resting safe in our Savior's arms. & if anything more were to happen to one of my little girls, I know that the same would be true for them.
"Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white,
They are precious in His sight.
Jesus loves the little children of the world."
God is faithful to bring healing to His children. I believe He has the power to heal us of eating disorders, tragic loss, and broken hearts. He is the Healer, and can mend anyone that is willing to accept His remedy. Once I stopped taking my pride pills, the real medicine began doing it's job. I have never felt such freedom. From myself, from sin, from past relationships. Nothing is beyond God. In May, I posted a blog in which I said this:
"I know they say time heals all wounds, but I'm slowly learning that to be untrue. I don't think that wounds ever fully heal, they just hurt differently. They change with time, and we're able to handle them more appropriately. Some days, they hurt just as badly as the day we received them. And some of those days, we deal with them exactly the same way we did in the beginning. Crying, sobbing, calling our moms to talk for 5 hours. Sometimes things happen that re-open wounds, and sometimes 10 things in a row happen that re-open wounds. Wounds that already hurt enough as it is should not have to be re-opened so many times! It quickly can feel like the end of the world. Thankfully, it's not.. it only feels that way. "
(here's the full blog if you'd like to read it.)
So what did my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd summer teach me?
Time can not heal all wounds;
but with time, God can.
Maybe later I'll share about how I saw God working in Hawaii. ;)
Maybe later I'll share about how I saw God working in Hawaii. ;)
