I am having the most difficult time deciding where to even begin.. God pushed me, a lot. I suppose I'll just re-read through my journal, and start on day one.
DAY1: The drive.
I am laughing as I read this first page, because it is a piece of the story I had almost forgotten. It shocked me then, but it absolutely blows me away now! Before we left, John Aaron had us sitting in a very large circle. We read through a list of things that could hinder our usefulness in NYC. The list included things such as: being more concerned with your clothes than those you are serving, constantly hoping to see a gang fight or drug deal, thinking you're better than the people who live there, not relying on God's power to change the city, judging people for the situations they live in, not spending time with the people who live there, thinking of the trip as a vacation and acting like a tourist, etc.. Pretty basic things. We went around the circle, and each person read one of the things out loud. BAM, my turn. I look at the paper and immediately laughed and eyeballed Emmy. "You complain about your living situation.. or the food you eat while you're there." I was in complete awe of how straight forward the Lord was being with me in that moment. In my journal when trying to explain it, I simply wrote, "CRAZY." I was anxious, VERY anxious, about the food that would be provided. I was terrified that I would be stuck in a situation with no healthy alternative. My backpack was already filled with protein bars, apples, oranges, and veggie straws. I was PREPARED.. prepared to not let the Lord "grow me". I believe in that moment, the Lord was doing a bit of foreshadowing in my story. We all piled into the bus, and I spent some time updating "my story." It's one I've been working on since age 13, and recently read to Emmy. While reading it to her, I was amazed at how evident the Lord has been in my life, and also how much He has done in my life lately. Unfortunately, it was also during that time that I realized I hadn't updated it since right after I decided to go into recovery. Meaning, I had a lot to catch up on. The bus ride was a perfect opportunity. :)
DAY2: Completing the drive, & the arrival.
We all woke up and went to get breakfast. I walked over to Starbucks with a few of my close friends, where I got coffee and oatmeal. My favorite, (and kind of my security/safest), breakfast. It was so good. For lunch we stopped at the mall, where I had chicken and broccoli from a Chinese place, and some vanilla frozen yogurt! We drove through Hershey, Pennsylvania.. which was so adorable. The street lights looked like Hershey Kisses! Finally, we arrived. We brought all of our stuff upstairs to our rooms. Up 60 stairs to be exact. We then went downstairs, learned about what we would be doing in New York, and ate dinner. Dinner consisted of Baked chicken(healthy), beans(healthy), and salad(superhealthy). Thank you God. We were broken up into groups, and placed with leaders. I can tell you now that I was placed in exactly the group that I needed to be in. That night, Emmy showed me a verse in Luke 10. In verse 8 it says, "When you enter a town and are welcomed, eat what is set before you." Here in my journal I wrote, "DOUBLE CRAZY. The Lord provided for me tonight, maybe He's allowing me to adjust slowly? Tomorrow, I will continue to trust in the Lord. My body image can't come before the Lord's work.. He will take care of me. Just think of this as practice for Africa, except this is real too."
DAY3: Prayer Tour, & Indian Galore.
Day 3 was hard for me. Okay, maybe hard is an understatement. Day 3 was miserable for me. We left at 9am for the prayer tour, and I was almost in tears. I felt disgusting. The devil really hit me hard, because he knew the Lord was working. He hit me where he knew I was weak. I pushed through the day, which eventually got better. We first went to Battery Park/Wall Street, and looked at monuments. My group stopped at one with a list of all the men who gave their lives in the seas of WWII. It was crazy seeing how those men were all willing to give their lives for their country, yet we as Christians have trouble just LIVING our lives for God. We went through China Town, and Little Italy. The streets were filled with oppression., At time square, we we told to ask how people felt about homelessness, but it was almost impossible to find people who would even talk to us. Time square was so "grand", but the people were so cold. Nobody cared about each other. Everyone avoided eye contact. In Harlem, it felt more "homey/ghetto". That's what I wrote in my journal, haha. People were very friendly, but everyone was cussing and using crazy slang. I actually liked Harlem. Going straight from Time Square to Harlem was strange, because they were so different. In the Bronx, the atmosphere was similar to Harlem, but was filled with Hispanic people.
We ate lunch at a pizza place that we had to find ourselves, where I ordered a salad. I talked to a woman in McDonalds who said she hated how rude everyone was. A man who worked there ran right into her, and didn't even apologize. She said, "I think you meant to say excuse me", and he proceeded to cuss her out in Spanish! She was 8 months pregnant. I also got to spend time talking to a young mom on the train about her cute little 2 year old boy. Being relational, is what I needed.
Last, we went to the World Trade Center. That was crazy. We saw the destruction and how many people were affected. Real people. We went to a church called St. Stephens. It was set up like a memorial, and had been a safe haven for those doing rescue work from 9-11. We finished up the tour by walking across all 1.8 miles of the Brooklyn Bridge. Samantha, Bethany, and I got to talk to a super nice Australian couple. We were able to tell them about what we were doing in New York, serving the Lord.
We had Indian food for dinner. The food was very different from anything I had ever eaten, and I wasn't even sure what some of it was. But I ate it. More of the things that looked healthy than the questionable things, obviously. I was very discouraged. I felt that everyone else had gotten so much, spiritually, out of the prayer tour, yet my thoughts were consumed with how tight my jeans felt around my thighs. I felt that I had gone through the motions of the day, and experienced so much, yet my mind was somewhere else. I ended up staying awake until 1am talking with Emmy, Katie, and Samantha. It was something I really needed, to just get it all out. One of them asked me how many of the women who have heavily impacted my life would be thought of as "worldly beautiful." Even if they were, is that why they impacted my life? If your insides are beautiful, they will shine straight through. It put a new perspective on things for me. The last thing my journal says is, "Katie isn't going to wear makeup.. I LOVE HER."
DAY4: We Care Soup Kitchen, Living Waters, & The Bushwick Plunge.
We started our morning out at a place called We Care Soup kitchen. It was run by a bunch of really sweet black church ladies, who were hilarious. The main lady's name was Kyle, and she immediately had my heart. We served food to homeless people, but in a totally different way than you would expect. They come in, sit down, and we serve them. We give them choices about what they eat, and just let them hang out. I passed out fruit and salad.:) Each of us was given the opportunity to partake in the meal with some of them. I got to move around a little bit, and meet a lot of incredibly sweet people. I loved listening to them talk, and interact with each other. Their whole philosophy there is re-instilling dignity. I loved it. Lunch=vegetable soup, salad, and a ROLL.
Afterwards, we went back to our home base, where we served at the churches after school ministry, Living Waters. (ps-it might be kinda important for me to mention that through this whole trip, I was coughing, sneezing, had ZERO voice, and could not breath through my nose) Before the kids arrived, we were briefed a little bit. They told us that one of the little girls' names was Carol. They said that just the day before, they had learned a new way of dealing with her. Carol is a very easily distracted child who loves to be funny, dance, and make excuses for not doing her homework. They said that yesterday they had figured out that if you speak very quietly to her, she is able to focus better and pay attention to your words. They gave us this information so that if any of us ended up working with her through out the afternoon, we would know. I decided to help out in the 1st grade classroom, because I enjoy helping younger children the most! When the first child walked in, she immediately ran up to me, attached herself to my leg, and yelled, "I pick you!" I felt so loved, and wanted. Every time another child would walk into the little room, the little girl would yell, "She's mine! You can't have her. I already called her!", and then shoot a huge smile my way. She stood up and did a silly little dance, and told me how when she grew up she wanted to be rich. The main teacher looked my way and whispered, "That's Carol."
Let me backtrack a bit for you guys here. Here's a little flashback:
I'm barely 14, walking around the kitchen of my old house, taping pieces of paper over all the clocks. Patiently(not patiently at all) waiting at the table is Gracie. She's in the first grade, and has been using anything in to room to distract herself from finishing her math homework.
You see, Gracie struggled in math, so I spent my 8th grade year tutoring her, and finding ways to get her to pay attention. Mostly she tapped on the table, made jokes, imitated Hannah Montana, told me every 5 seconds how much time was left, and danced.
I didn't choose Carol. She chose me. Now, it was pretty easy to talk softly to her, considering I had no voice. It was also easy to be patient with her, because I'd already been through this all before. It was also really easy to explain her homework to her in a way that made sense to her, because I've spent the past two semesters of school in concepts of elementary math.. learning how to teach math to elementary schoolers. God had this all planned out from the start. Carol finished ALL of her homework, and also told me funny stories. She thought my ears were SO cool, and had her finger through them most of the day. God uses all things for His glory. That does not in any way exclude my year of pushing through helping Gracie, the loss of my voice, or a college math class for education majors. God is good.
Our host Aubrey then took us into the sanctuary and gave us a task. Seek out a place to eat with food you have never tried before.. by yourselves. Just the 10 of us:Sam, Shanna, Tiffany, Brittany, Jackson, JJ, Katherine, Ben, Bethany, and myself. We eventually found a little Mexican place where we could all sit at a bar and eat. It was TINY, and fit maybe 15 people total. We met a really nice lady who went through the entire menu and gave us her opinion on which things were good. We were even able to leave a $30 tip to the guy running the little place! We had a group full of budgeters:) I ate chicken, beans, and rice. I also drank some sort of "Tamberin Tea" that tasted sweet. God pulled me through that meal. I left feeling miserably full, but the Lord reminded me of my worth in the craziest way. After we returned to the site, I saw Katie & Emmy's beautiful faces sitting on opposite sides of the room. Katie smiling with no makeup on, & Emmy with her hair still wet from showering. It was just Katie and Emmy. Somehow it reminded me that when I have to eat "bad" things, people who love me, & God, look at me in the same way that I was seeing my friends. They just think, "It's just Haley. Look at beautiful Haley." I looked at those two girls, and felt nothing but proud. It was an incredible reminder of how my friends and God feel about me when my heart is also in the right place. They just see, well, me. Katie later told me that when her day began, all she could focus on was her skin, her lack of makeup, the absence of her security, and she understood my pain. She said every time she felt that way, she prayed for me. Can you imagine? Katie was struggling, feeling insecure, and she took those opportunities to pray for ME. I am surrounded by some awesome Godly women you guys. No joke.
DAY5: Trinity Parish, Operation Exodus, & Senegalese.
This was the day when God started really testing my limits. As I wrote in my journal, "Somebody HAD to have prayed me all the way through today.. because my food limits have been beyond pushed.. in a very good way." Our first ministry site was called Trinity Parish. I spent about an hour breaking apart pieces of frozen(raw) chicken, and separating it into bags of 3. Once I finished, I moved on to slicing rolls and bagels. Not just a few rolls and bagels, but 5 trash bags full. Compared to We Care Soup Kitchen, the people running Trinity Parish were a little gruff. We finished preparing all of the food for the Food Pantry that would take place later in the day, and sat down for a meal. Okay every one, prepare yourself to be blown away. I had already experienced a bit of rice and bread through out the week, (which freaked me out), but it was always paired with something safe(like chicken). My protein bar was stored away safely in my purse.. in a storage room downstairs. I was then presented with..drum roll please.. Some sort of beef/steak in a thick sauce, rice, and bread. Terrified in this moment, I ate my food. Thankfully, I was also given some frozen blueberries, which made me feel safer. A bit later, the people began to arrive for the soup kitchen. The line went out the door, and down the street. Homeless, starving, desperate people. There were so sweet, and so grateful. One woman even apologized, over and over again. She thanked me maybe 10 times, all the while saying the didn't want to be a pain in the neck. These people were just so hungry. When one man was asked how he was doing, he said, "Every day that I'm not 6 feet under the ground is a good one." I immediately was reminded, "To live is Christ, to die is gain." Every day I am given to tell others the good news about Christ is a GOOD DAY. I then wrote a side note in my journal.."even if I can't breathe through my nose, or swallow without coughing. To live is Christ, and Christ suffered. What is a cold? Nothing." Once we served all of the food, we started setting up for the food pantry. Little old ladies lined up outside with their carts, and started "shopping." Each had a certain number of points. They picked out their food, and were blessed. Like I said, the people running this place were less about re-instilling dignity, and more about just giving the people a service. That was often difficult for me to watch, because it felt like the homeless were treated less as people, and more as animals. I suppose it taught me to always treat people with a loving heart, not just loving hands.
We then went to a place called Operation Exodus, which was also an after school program. I volunteered to go with the preschoolers, big surprise. They were so sweet, and just wanted to be loved. Most of them spoke Spanish, because we were near the Bronx. Two of the little girls that I spent a lot of time with were named Jordan and Ariella. I was given charge of 6 children, and read Dr. Seuss books for 30 minutes. They all wanted to volunteer and hold/turn the pages for me. We then watched some Veggie Tales, and prepared for big group time. Our group acted out "Joshua and the wall of Jericho." The kids LOVED it. They then were given an opportunity to ask us 4 questions. The crowed went wild when I said my favorite color was blue! I was then booed when I said my favorite food was vegetables.. The people who run Operation Exodus then led the kids in worship, and they had these incredible dances to go along with every song. Many of the people in charge were no older than 20, and they just loved on those kids. I have no doubt in my mind that every single one of those children's lives has been changed because of Operation Exodus.
For dinner, we went to a Senegalese place. For those of you who don't know where Senegal is, it's in.. Africa! The food was delicious, and also terrifying. The dishes just kept on coming, and consisted of : super spicy chicken that looked deep fried(JJ later told me it was baked, whew), 2 fish with their heads and eyes still on, a bowl of seasoned raw onions, fried plantains, whatever that little rice stuff is called(cush cush or something?), and more bread. I ate a little bit of everything. PRAISE GOD.. and then got frozen yogurt.
DAY6: Covenant House, & Chelsea West Village Immersion.
Day 6 was my favorite, by the way. We spent our morning at Covenant House, where Shanna and I organized the baby closet. It was full of clothes for babies living in the mommy/baby house. Covenant House provides shelter for runaways 16-20, and they turn nobody away. Even if they are full, or the people are the wrong ages, they find a place for them. They provide job training, mock interviews, clothing, shelter, food, and even help the kids pick out business attire for their interviews. To me, it was eye opening.. because every little onsie that I folded was going to be put on a little baby with no home. Babies have no control over that. Can you imagine being a 16-20 year old girl who not only can't feed/clothe yourself, but also not your baby? When I think of having a baby, it's really exciting. I picture myself being married to a man I'm in love with, having a steady job, and a home to raise my precious child in. That is not at all the case for these young mothers. The people working there truly loved what they did. What an inspiration. We ate our bagged lunches outside(wheat, turkey, mustard, vegetable chips), and then because of extra time, walked through Central Park & Grand Central Station! Both were beautiful.
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By the way, everything that we did all week was a mystery. We were never told what our next task was until either the morning of, or right before we left. So at 4pm, Aubrey told us what our mystery mission was, our FINAL task. Navigate the subways, alone, to this random place. Find out all kinds of information on housing prices, homeless shelter locations, where to find a free meal, and then the big one.. Find a homeless person, and share a meal with them. All with $20. We found out all of the information we needed, and started searching for a homeless person. Now, Chelsea West Village is an extremely rich part of New York, and that made finding homeless people very difficult. The first guy we passed was digging through garbage. We prayed over it as a group, trying to decide if this was "our guy." Jackson and JJ went to talk to him, and he wouldn't even acknowledge their presence. The next man we stopped by was named John. He was selling books on a corner, so we tried to get to know him. After a while, we finally asked if he would like to eat with us, and he said no. Discouraged, we kept walking. Hungry, tired, and not feeling very hopeful, we walked on. Ben then decided to tell us he needed to pee, immediately. SO, we walked to Bed Bath and Beyond. We all used the restroom, and decided to just go grab dinner, and carry our extra food around. We were running out of time, energy, and daylight. As we were crossing the street to grab dinner, Bethany yells, "Look, a puppy!" Sitting next to the puppy, leaned against the front of the huge Bed Bath and Beyond, was a homeless man. We turned around, and introduced ourselves. He said his name was Kirk, and that he wanted sausage pizza and an orange soda. Some people in our group got a bit frustrated because they felt we were being used. He already had a McDonalds cup, and a taco bell bag sitting right by him. But, I really felt a peace about helping this guy out. We went to grab some pizza. I was planning on eating my protein bar. I even told Brittany when she asked what kind of pizza I wanted. As they were ordering, the Lord gave me a nice little punch and said, "How will this guy feel if you think the food you've gotten for him, isn't good enough for you? THIS is what I've been preparing you for Haley. This is it." So I ordered one slice of cheese pizza. Shaking a bit, I walked back over to where Kirk was sitting. JJ and Shanna had stayed to talk with him, so when we got back we asked if he would mind us eating with him. JJ shook his head no, and Kirk seemed very hesitant. Jackson pushed it anyways, saying we didn't really have anywhere else to eat, so we'd really like to. No matter the motivations, the Lord used that. Kirk openly admitted that he's living on the streets by choice, because he has "itchy feet". He can't stay in one place, or at one job for too long.We kinda knew he was "using us" from the start, but Samantha later said something that really made a lot of sense. "Didn't we start out by just using him too? To fulfill our task?" Yes, yes we were. BUT, no matter any of our motivations, the Lord used it. We asked if we could pray over the food, and he said he wasn't a Christian or anything, but sure. So we prayed, and thanked the Lord for Kirk, and the opportunity to hang out with him. Then, we ate. Bite by bite, I ate that pizza, for the Lord, and for Kirk. & I felt freedom, freedom to love Kirk, and see him through God's eyes. Freedom to eat that slice of pizza, and not think about it. Some people went down the street to get his dog some dog food, while the rest of us stayed. Though he knew we were Christians, he continued to throw down the F bomb every other sentence. He also talked to his friends in front of us about drugs, and acted very open.. yet detatched. He told us how crazy shelters are at night, and how he has a house back in Oregon he could go back to any time he wanted. He was all surface. Then he started opening up. He told us about his past drug problems, and his time spent in jail where he sobered up. He told us about a girl, one he tried settling down for. He told us about the heartbreak he endured when she started drugs again, and that she was the reason he hadn't left stupid New York yet. She was in New York, living with her mom. The dog was one they had bought together. He said the people on the streets who do drugs, they're just looking for a purpose .. something to do with their time. Bethany, Shanna, and I got to tell him some stuff about our past. How we were just looking for a purpose too. Thankfully, we found ours. Jesus Christ. He told us how people walk by him with their cross necklaces and Jesus T-shirts and avoid eye contact of glare at him. How they'll have a fish on their car, but won't even roll down their window to give him a drink of water. We explained to him that those "Christians" make us just as upset as they make him. It's not a title, it's a life purpose. Him saying that also hit me pretty hard, knowing that sometimes that's how I may look to people on my campus. Avoiding them, just because they make me scared or nervous. I later realized that, if I had to see the world from his perspective for 18 years, my heart would probably be hardened too. I wouldn't mind using people, and panhandling. Most of all, it reminded me of some boys I love. My brother in particular. It showed me what could come to be of him, if the world continues to beat down and harden his sweet, loving, heart. It's scary. We told Kirk we would be praying for him, continually. Bethany told him the story of how we found him, a total God thing, and told him to let that soak for a while. We just listened, and let him tell us his story. We asked questions, and sometimes threw in spiritual stuff. We told him how awesome his story could be, if only he'd let the Lord use it. He thanked us, and said we were awesome.
DAY6: FREE DAY.
I spent my free day with Emmy, Samantha, and Kristen. We went to Goodwill, TJ Maxx, and Starbucks. While leaving TJ Maxx, I saw my good friend Kirk:) Samantha and I stopped to talk with him again. He was like, "Hey, you guys are looking good! You clean up nice!" We told him that it was our free day, so we had actually showered and gotten ready. He told us that it was crazy seeing us, because he had just seen JJ and a bunch of the rest of our Subway Group earlier.. on the complete other side of town! They had also taken time out of their free day to stop, talk, and hang out with him. The Kirk that I talked to on Day 6 was a complete different man than I talked to on Day 5. He was just softer, more open. It was a total God thing.
OVERVIEW:
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New York was exactly what I needed, and I see exactly why I needed to be there. I didn't know how to love people. I am super excited to continue living out my life for the Lord as closely as possible to how I did in New York, but I am also super excited to continue eating grilled chicken and lettuce for the rest of my life. I feel such a sense of freedom in knowing that I can eat those kinds of foods if I need to, but can honestly say I've had a grilled chicken salad for every single meal since returning to Tennessee. I've been home for almost a week. I like my safe food, but I also like that I am now able to put God, and people, before it.
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