Feeling the pressure to be perfect, as usual.

"It's been my struggle as of late, to see so clearly that this world has nothing to offer, yet we must dwell here. How hard it is, like an eating disorder. Food you must have, food you must eat. To eat too much is bad, to eat too little is bad. Finding the balance I guess is how living in this world is." Such wise & true words.

So, I'm a bit of a perfectionist. Everything that I do, I would like to be able to do perfectly. Therefore, I almost never meet my own expectations. My ongoing struggle? Food, eating, & my self image. Not something that I talk a whole lot about openly, yet it is definitely the most persistent struggle that I deal with. Every single day, it is a battle within myself. The Lord sees me as beautiful, & I plan on marrying a man who sees outward beauty in this way:

So, I'm not sure what my strange obsession with vanity is all about. That's what it is, right? Vanity. Vanity is not at all attractive; & that sounds a bit like an oxymoron; Striving to be attractive is ugly.
There are SO many things wrong with this whole issue.

1. I was created by GOD, who makes all things beautiful.. including me. CRITICIZING GOD'S WORK.

2. I allow my quest for physical perfection to come before Jesus sometimes. IDOLATRY.

3.God is not "pleased" by external beauty, therefor who am I trying to please?  MORE IDOLATRY.
"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ"

Galatians 1:10

4. & if I am trying to please men, specifically males, where will that get me? A man who is initially attracted to me because of my outward beauty, rather than my love for Jesus Christ, is no man at all. ENCOURAGING LUST? I need a man who is searching for a Proverbs 31 woman, which leads me to ...
5. I need to be a Proverbs 31 woman!
Click this for an awesome modern day depiction!
Eating disorders, vanity, obsessive exercise, comparing myself to others, & picking my body apart are definitely not mentioned in the original, or modern day "translation", of Proverbs 31. IGNORING GOD'S DEFINITION OF A GODLY WOMAN.

There are ten million things wrong with this whole problem, by definition alone.. it is a problem.
Yet these 5 seem to be the most obvious to me. By allowing these thought processes to take place, & beating myself up over it, I am actively criticizing God's work, committing loads of idolatry, encouraging lust/my brothers to stumble, and ignoring God's very clear commandment of how to live as a Godly woman. Awesome.
Maybe next time I'm having a mental breakdown over a mirror, I need to list these off in my mind.
If I really want to be beautiful so badly, I should really stop allowing these UGLY UGLY UGLY things to take place..
True beauty is more than skin deep.



*On a later side note: If you wake up with a flat belly, eat breakfast, and later have a pooch... that is a veryveryvery good thing. That means that there is food in there! Food=life. Life=more time to tell people about Jesus Christ!

I really don't want to be a stumbling block.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

Ecclesiastes 3:11

I am often able to apply this verse to my own life, yet I so easily forget how much it applies to others' as well. I expect for the Lord to work in other people's hearts immediately. I think, "Now is the time, Lord!", or, "Hey, in case you somehow missed it, they're calling out to you!". Right. God missing out on something. Not likely. I remember how stubborn I was, & that there was no timing as perfect as the timing that He chose. I see that, now. So how then can I say that it is or isn't someone else's time? Am I now the one who holds eternity in my hands? That would be scary, wouldn't it? Thankfully, all time & knowledge remains in my Lord Jesus Christ's hands. It often seems easier to trust the Lord with my own life, than to trust the Lord with his life.. or his life. I think, God, I'm trusting you with me, so I'll be fine. But THEY aren't trusting you with their lives, so you must not have the power to keep them safe. What? Really? Does God not also know the plans that He has for them? Sometimes I forget to think through the things that I feel. God's picture is so beautiful. His picture for each of us is INCREDIBLY beautiful. I suppose I just tend to be a bit anxious. I'm anxious to see other people's pictures. HE IS ALREADY PAINTING THEM, & I feel like rushing the creator of time; How human of me. Rather than being frustrated with God for "not working quickly enough", we should love & lead by example. Each living our lives chasing after the Lord & His will. Let us not become stumbling blocks to those seeking the Lord, through our impatience with His perfect plan. I think more often than not, we interfere with what God is trying to do. (or maybe that's just me) I push Him onto people too hard, or not at all. I don't trust in His plan, or I take it into my own hands. To unbelievers, that looks like a crazy bipolar person; some one who doesn't even trust the "god" that they're shoving down people's throats. "Why would I want to serve some guy that makes your life confusing and miserable; some guy whose plans you are not willing to trust?" Let us be firm in our faith, so that we aren't working against God's plan. I have to remind myself of that every single freaking day, "Today Haley, you need to not work against God's plan." As a believer, it seems like that should be the most OBVIOUS thing. It's pretty much the basis of what we are called to do, right? What we stand for? "Don't work against God, work towards the goal, lead people towards Jesus" But when we doubt God, & don't trust in His plan, that's what we're doing. In the past 3 months, God has been hardcore trying to teach me that, yet I always come back to a place where I need reminding. God is good. His plan is good. Don't interfere by trying to make it your own.

On grudges, forgiveness, & love.

But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Luke 6:35

Am I the only one in the world who has huge life goals, and then totally forgets about them once I get caught up in living? My life goal is to be as much like Jesus as possible, yet a lot of the time I don't make time for people. Jesus LOVED people; He DIED for people. I mean, I make plenty of time for people, but usually only the ones that can pour into me. I don't spend nearly enough time pouring into other people, simply for the sake of pouring into them. That's what Jesus did right? He poured into people that could do nothing in return for Him. He died for people who didn't even LIKE him! That's huge. People HATED Him. They wanted to KILL Him. Jesus Christ was willing to die so that they could have eternal life. When people have even the slightest negative feelings towards me, I avoid them. People maybe don't like me, and for me it is easier to just avoid the situation. 

Let me reiterate: 

Jesus: People hated and wanted Him dead, so He died to give them eternal life.

Me: People maybe don't like me so much, so I hide.

Maybe I'm not doing such a great job at moving towards my goal. As a child of Jesus Christ, I am called to LOVE those who hate me; my enemies. I think that also means that I am called to love those who maybe might have a few negative feelings towards me. And if I'm scared of what they may think when I reach out and love them? Then I am not a follower of God.

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

I have been called to stand out. If unbelievers see me as normal, if they understand everything that I am doing, then something is terribly wrong. I haven't been called to "fit in", and neither has any other believer. My first goal should be to love others as Christ loves me, not to do what makes myself and others feel "comfortable". 

All of that being said, I'm going through a period where God is seriously convicting me regarding all of the past grudges that I have held. Recently, the Lord has miraculously removed those old harsh feelings from my heart, and has given me a strangely forgiving spirit towards any new ones that could form. Yet I still feel that I must take action on these convictions. I must confront these old "enemies" of mine; those that I have now forgiven. Even if they see it as being unnecessary, random, or too late. It needs to be done. That's the easy part. Those wounds are old, and were held onto only because of my own stubbornness. The difficult part will be confronting the "fresh wounds". Those are the wounds that for some reason didn't hurt so much, yet forced me to hide. Those are the people that maybe don't like me so much right now; and I hear that they've been saying mean things. Am I angry at those people? Not at all. Zero. BUT, those are they people that might flip out when I try to make amends, and they also might think that I sound like an idiot. So I'm  a little bit scared. 

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

If I am called to love those who don't like me, not try and please men, and not to be timid, then what am I waiting for? God has given me a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline. I can do all things with Christ who strengthens me. This is just another incredible opportunity to grow, to move closer towards my goal, and to glorify the Lord. Because doing this kind of stuff? Confronting people? This is so obviously not me.

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:14

Destination: Reality check

I feel like this is going to be me for the next month. I'm leaving school later today to go home for Christmas break, & that freaks me out. Here at Tech, I'm surrounded by a flourishing garden of believers 24/7. They know my story, my struggles, & my goal. This is my new life; my running after Jesus life; the one I want to live forever. Home, is the past. Home is my mistakes and failures. Home is a desert. But, I'm praying for a desert. The desert is what simultaneously brought me to my knees, and sent me running towards the Lord. The desert is when I feel closest to God, and when I need Him the most. It's easy to think I can do things myself when I'm living in a garden. But in a desert? I am quickly humbled back to reality. I think I need a humbling reality check. Just like every one else, I can still feel space between the Lord and myself sometimes. I am far from "immune" to sin, and I still have to keep my relationship with Jesus in check. Just because I can survive heartbreak and world flips, while surrounded by encouraging lovers of Jesus Christ, does not mean anything. Even though it requires full reliance on the Lord in the beginning, after a while  you tend to settle with partially trusting in the Lord. I need a desert; I desperately need a desert. I want to NEED to fully rely on Jesus Christ again for a couple of weeks. I'm sure later I will regret saying that, but I need to completely feel the peace, love, and joy of my Lord and Savior again. I need to rest in His arms, and allow Him to take the reigns. I know that He's more than willing and able, and personally, I'm exhausted. God is so good, and I am so grateful that He is in control of my life and my plans. Things are no longer quite as scary, once you realize your life is in the hands of the creator, the Rock Eternal.

He makes us white as snow,

A great reminder ANY day.

No matter how big we think our sin is, 

it's all the same to God.

The even better news?  

God forgives all of it, equally.

He is so good.

I think I kinda get agape.

They put him in a box; because of the friends that he chooses, the words that he uses, and the substances he abuses. He isn't those things, and they do not define him. He's a boy who cares for people, with generosity abounding. He wants to give help, love, healing, and joy to others. He wants to change the world, to save it. He runs, away from this fallen world, towards things he is not sure of; hoping to land somewhere safe, somewhere happy. But he is so unsure. He's a child, and he's searching for the answer. He knows there is one, and that we are not just all here at random. He's lost, and waiting to be found; yet I've never been more proud. For he's not like the rest. He truly is the best. God has never spoken so clearly to me; pointing out the blessings in my life. This one was the first. At two years, eleven months, and twenty days, I was given my first real gift from our Lord Jesus Christ. It's one that I've learned to love and cherish over the years; and constantly have had to trust in the Lord to take care of. I keep this gift with open hands; caring way too much about it to think that I could try and protect it alone. Through it I've learned a little bit of how God feels about me. It's unconditional. I hurt when he hurts, but I can't ever choose for him. He doesn't see it; I really don't think that He does. But I do, and God does. He is perfect. He was made for a purpose, and he is the absolute perfect person for fulfilling it. God knew him before He even formed him in our mother's womb. Before he was born, God set him apart, to tell his story. But he doesn't see it; not yet. He knows the plans that He has set aside just for him. He said it Himself, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." I know in my heart that God has a plan;  He's going to do something in that boys days that neither of us would believe, even if we were told. His heart is of gold, and his soul isn't sold. But he was bought at a price, with a story to be told. He's just like me, even though he doesn't see it; trying to fill all of those empty spaces with earthly things. Like filling your belly with nails rather than food; you will be full, but you will never be satisfied. I am proud of him, for the parts of himself that he tends to overlook. He is not a box that you can label; He is a boy with a purpose. The Lord makes everything beautiful in its time, but I can already see Him working.

I was praying on my way to the infirmary today, and when I got there, the nurse told me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I think sometimes we forget that, even in the little things, and we need to be reminded. But I'm not the only one; Cody, you are fearfully and wonderfully made by the God of the universe; and He loves you twenty million times more than I do. & that my friend, is incredible.

Milk is for babies.

I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 

When I was in elementary school, I fell off of my bike. I hurt my knee really bad, and dad had to clean it out. I remember it being one of the most physically painful experiences of my childhood. I screamed and I cried the whole time he was doctoring my wound, while sitting on the downstairs bathroom sink. Though cleaning the wound was necessary, all I could think about was the pain I was feeling, and how I wanted it to stop. I was not yet mature enough to see how necessary dad cleaning out my knee actually was. That was my right knee, and I was not yet ready for the pain. Last week, I tripped on this ghetto sidewalk on my way to Soul Food. I totally tore open my knee, and it really hurt. I brushed off my hands, stood up, and kept walking. I went into the BCM bathroom, washed off the blood, cleaned out the gravel, and stuck on a band-aid. I didn't scream, and I didn't cry. I knew that if I didn't clean out the bad stuff, my knee wouldn't be able to heal properly; and I mean completely clean out the bad stuff. That was my left knee. It's not that it hurt any less than the right one, I was just in a different place maturity-wise. I was able to see, and consider, more than just the "here and now". Last year, I split up with the guy that I had been dating for 3 years. It crushed me, and I screamed and cried the entire time we were apart. I remember it being one of the most emotionally painful experiences of my entire life. God was trying to get the unhealthy stuff out of my life, but it hurt so bad that I just wanted Him to stop. All I could see was the "here and now", rather than how it was going to affect the rest of my life; my future. So I ran from God, and I held tightly onto the things that didn't belong in my life. Though He allowed me to run, I firmly believe that He never once let go of my hand.When the "extra stuff" started making me hurt so badly that I just couldn't handle it any more, He once again said, "Haley, just let me clean it out, so you can heal and grow the way I want you to. Please, just let me clean it out." And so I let Him; I totally and completely let Him. Again, it hurt just as bad as the first time, but I could see that it was necessary. Leaving the stuff in there would in the end be much more painful than the temporary pain of allowing God to clean out my life. Now I can heal, and I can grow; And I'm watching it happen more and more every single day. He gave me milk, because I was not yet ready for solid food. Indeed, I'm still not ready; By myself, I can never be ready. But with Him, I can take on the world.

I tried to take on the world by myself, and I tried to take on the world with a boy; 

But until I tried to take on the world with God, I could never conquer. He is enough, always.

I AM who I AM.

We've heard it before, but do we know what it means? He is everything. He fills every gap. When we have Him, we shall not want. He is our best friend, our significant other, our brother, and our father. What more shall we want? Our earthly spaces are filled when the world sees us as alone, because we are never alone. My whole life, I believed that I needed one of each of those to feel loved; to feel wanted. We need NOT. I could list them off in my mind and "feel complete". Morgan, TJ, Cody, Todd. But that mindset, where am I left when I am forced to be separated from any of those prized posessions of mine? I am left broken, incomplete, and hurting; Feeling unloved and unwanted. Those are all really difficult things. With Him, I shall not need. Morgan moves, I am crushed. TJ leaves, I fall apart. I move away from Cody, and am terrified. THEN I trust God, with everything: INCLUDING my prized posessions. I feel peace. They are removed, far away, and absent; yet I'm okay. Not only am I okay, I am joyful! I rejoice in these things, because they prove only more how deeply I need Jesus. More spaces are opened for Him to fill. He IS my best friend, my boyfriend, my brother, and my father. I shall not want; I shall not need. I am the friend, daughter, sister, and bride of Christ, what more could I ask? He is who He is; love in its many forms.

He is enough, always.

Blessings in disguise.

God has placed so many people in my life as daily blessings. I am forever grateful to Him. When things should seem like they're falling apart, He gives me the realization that they're actually just coming together. It's like my life is a puzzle, and I always thought I knew the final picture that it would yield. Then he stepped in and said, "No Haley, you've been doing it all wrong." See, I've been putting all of the pieces where I thought they were suppose to go, to make the picture I wanted my life to end up being. So yeah, it hurts at times. But that's only because I glued down puzzle pieces that I was just positive were where they needed to be. Now not only do I have to start putting the pieces where He tells me to, (in faith, because I do not know the final picture), but I also have to go through the painful process of letting Him tear apart my half finished picture; Ripping up the pieces that I had done such a "great" job of securing into my frame. I thought they were there to stay. I was wrong. He's tearing "my" pieces off, and reminding me to lean not on my own understanding. I've somehow gotten my boxes mixed up, and some of those pieces that I was glueing don't even belong in my picture. In my story. In His picture; In His story. His is 10 times more beautiful than the one I was trying to put together myself. He sees all of the puzzles at once, so the pictures are clear to Him. Yet as humans, we think seeing our own is enough. It never is. We can't plan our lives without His help. That's how we end up with our puzzle jumbled. No matter how self sufficient we think we are; we need Him. Because He is enough, always.