Grey

https://soundcloud.com/haley-jacobs-1/for-the-broken-in-spirit

Safety's over-rated.
Fear, a waste of time.
Risk it all, through leaps of faith.
Complacency's a crime.

Grey's a difficult color.
Black and white are better.
I wish You had an address.
I'd write You in a letter.

I pray and know you hear.
I sit and know you're near.
I wish things were more clear.
'Cause grey is what I fear.

Paint a picture; color filled.
Clearly black lines drawn.
Yet water colors blur and blend.
Like sky changes at dawn.

Absolutes are what I desire.
I want ice or I want fire.
Tell the truth or be a liar.
Grey is what I fear.



I have missed writing 
and blogging so much.

Walls.

Made up of bronze, with bars of iron-
put into place in fear.
God, please let me keep these walls-
security is needed here.

Safety lies within these walls-
change not a welcomed guest.
Simply let out things understood-
and hold on to the rest.

Faith is irrelevant-
"these walls will keep me safe."
Trust unnecessary-
"these walls won't let me cave."

To believe in You; to believe in me-
there is no need.
The idol wall of fear and shame-
will help me to succeed.

Yet CLEARLY You speak-
though Your voice a whispered sound.
"Be soft, be open, trust in Me-
throw idols to the ground."

Fear, gripping my soul-
like chains around my wrists.
He simply whispers, "follow-
drop your plans, desires, and lists."

"I WILL PROTECT YOU-
because you are not living life.
You're worshipping control-
like with numbers, vomit, or knife."

So I walk forward-
direction always a mystery.
Surely now aware-
my life is only history..
     in the making..
          courage is awakening.

This is intimidating.

Trying to cover all that has taken place in the past few months would be quite an impossible task.
Trying to summarize any of the things that God has been teaching me lately would be equally impossible. (This is a good thing..God at work is ALWAYS a good thing.)

Now he is a true miracle, saved by grace once again.
This time, from an eternal death.
These once dry bones now live! :)

I figure enough time has passed that I can actually post this.. but.. my precious little brother accepted Christ about a month ago. It has been the neatest, coolest, most exciting thing ever. I was also extremely blessed in this- The Lord allowed it to happen on the one weekend out of the entire semester that I decided to visit home. How faithful is our God? :) I have been praying for my brother, completly broken for his salvation, for almost 3 years now. To think that many people wait so much longer on those that they love.. their family.. to have their eyes opened to the truth. It's been a hard road "waiting" on this, but the fruit in his life was well worth the pain. (I've been especially broken for my brother since coming to college/if you can't tell by the fact that half of my blogs are about him.)

The things He knew I needed.
A strong family, salvation, conviction to bring me back,
and discipleshipto help me grow.

ALSO, God as been teaching me a lot about trusting in Him. He's been teaching me to be open to the plans He has for my life, and open to people that He places in my path. I'm learning how much fear has had a grip on my life. Even here, in college. I don't fear the world quite so much, but I am terrified of "stepping out of the Lord's will." What does that even mean? The whole purpose of this "Holy Spirit thing" is that it guides us. It guides us AS we are moving forward. I've been so content to sit perfectly still, in thought and in action. waiting for God to point a finger and say, "Walk here next, Haley.. then just sit once again, until I give you further instruction." He has called me to walk forward, to run this race, fully anticipating Him to nudge me to the left or to the right in order to fulfill the purpose He desires. It's called walking by faith, not waiting for proof. I'm not going to lie, the past few months have been scary. This whole "walking by faith and trusting that God has me thing" isn't easy, but it is always rewarding. Even if the rewards aren't yet seen here on Earth, I know that I am not running this race without purpose. I once read something along the lines of, "courage isn't a lack of fear, but rather being willing to walk through those things which scare you the most." I am learning how true that is. I am also learning how impossible that is on my own. I am only "courageous," because I know that as I walk through uncertain circumstances, I am holding the hand of the Creator. Will I veer from the path of "safety"? More often than not, I'm sure. Yet I will keep my eyes peeled, my ears open, and my heart focused, so that I can recognize the gentle tugging of His hand, saying, "Haley, This is the way; walk in it." Isn't that what He has been doing for me the past 3 years? I walked in fear, because I felt as usual, that I had to do things perfectly. (Being a perfectionist really is one of my biggest struggles.) Somehow, I allowed that mentality to cross over into my walk with Christ. Somehow, I didn't make the connection that the BASIS of my walk is that I am a SINNER saved by GRACE. He has been molding me, through each decision, and each act of obedience. He has been molding me, through each stubborn thing I held onto, and each time I actively disobeyed. His plans will not be thwarted by my ill-motives, or any of my scheming plans. God's plan will prevail, whether I'm fighting for it or not. SO, since my obvious desire is for His plan to prevail.. Why don't I just walk forward from here on out, trusting that He will guide and direct me, however He so pleases? Because whether I choose to accept that or not, it is what He is going to do. It is what He will always do- because God is faithful to His children.