Sweet babies and fried caterpillars.

I really have fallen in love with the Zimbabwean culture! Things are very laid back here and I have felt no stress at all. I Can't wait to show off some of the sweet pictures my friend and team mate Jessica has been taking of all of us with our kids.(not on facebook though!) I've never felt so much joy in my life. These kids are teaching me ginormous life lessons without even meaning to. Be prepared to hear me babble on for months about little Prim Rose.:P She is 6,and my favorite. (Am I allowed to have favorites? Because I do..) or Jeffery. Haha,he is 4 and he makes the FUNNIEST faces. Or fluffy boo Bah squeaky clown baby. He's precious. Seriously I'm going to cry so hard when I have to leave my kids. I've just met some really awesome people here,especially all the women that devote their entire lives to all of these sweet children. There is no place like Zimbabwe. I've also eaten some really neat food. God is definitely using Zimbabwe to do big things in my life.;) Monday night I ate a boiled and fried caterpillar; which was almost as scary as how much spaghetti and rolls I have eaten! & I really haven't had any food anxiety at all! Like I said; God is doing big things.:) I honestly think that having to leave Africa is going to be much more difficult than leaving the States was; and I don't think any of us will ever be the same. Our worlds just got 100X bigger and more real. Actually being here and seeing the need has been huge for us. It's also crazy for us to see how many things we have in common with the people here. These are real people;just like us. We worship the same way, and we all require food. We sing songs, and enjoy being loved on. I'm nervous to leave, because I've never felt so much freedom or peace as I do here in Zim. I don't want the life that I wanted before. I don't want to be a teacher, and I think it's the Lord once again changing and molding the desires of my heart for a bigger purpose. I don't want my main purpose in life to be finding a husband or having kids. God's plan is so much more than that..though He may choose to bless me with those things in the process. I think I've decided I'm suppose to get my masters in Psychology,though that's 3 whole years away. I don't know. Out of everything that Africa has taught me so far, the main thing I've learned is pretty simple.. I don't know anything that I previously thought I was certain about. Africa has suddenly cleared the future plans my brain had conceived, and that is a very good thing. I don't know if I'll get married. I don't know if I'll have kids of my own. I don't know what my job will be, or where I will live. I don't even know what country I will be in. Africa has taught me that I am not God, and therefore do not have enough wisdom or insight to make such far our and distant plans for myself right now. Africa feels like home already, which is a tad bit frightening. :p I don't miss home at all, though I'm sure after awhile I would miss the people. I enjoy not showering or wearing makeup, and dangit, I've enjoyed spaghetti and rolls! Even Sadza has been both an experience and a blessing in disguise. Adjusting to "living in America" is going to be hard. I am hoping to have the courage to live IN America .. but AS a Zimbabwean. They are just so genuine in their faith! They trust in the Lord for EVERYTHING, including their next meal. They are friendly, and so welcoming. You immediately feel as if you are with family everywhere you go. The Lord has really taught me what my true priorities need to be.. and they don't include food, makeup, men, clothing sizes, or pleasing others. HE is enough, always.. and that includes right now.

Africa

I'm sitting at a cafe in Bulawayo;amazed by the Lord's beauty. Our time has flown by so far! Our trip here seem to never end;and was full of complications. We had a combined time of 20 flight hours; 15 layover hours; 20 bus hours; and at least 4 train hours. By the time we had flown; rode; walked through London; acted delirious on a train; found Seth; crossed the border; had our luggage searched; went grocery shopping and finally arrived.. we were exhausted and dirty. It was hard not to feel a tiny bit discouraged. BUT that next morning bright and early we were picked up by our first white friend..Tammy! She brought us to an orphanage with children who have been abused. Those kids.. were exactly what we all needed to remind us of why we are here. We've been preparing all of our own meals which is so much fun! We've visited more kids since then;and I even got to sing some camp songs at the last place! They loved them so much;and everyone understands English!! I'm eating crazy food;& not beating myself up over it. Our group is getting really close already; which has been such a blessing. The group of 19 from Texas arrived at our Hostel yesterday; so we have a full house! Seth now has the company of other males; which I'm sure he was getting super ready for. Poor Seth. On a closing note; we love Zimbabwe;and their coffee and hot tea.;)

Story of my Life; I'm a work in progress.

GOD IS SO FLIPPING FAITHFUL

"Dear God, 

I just want to take a minute 

not to ask for anything from you, 

but to simply say Thank You 

for all I have."

Wow, wow, wow, is all I can manage to say.

I'm struggling to come up with paragraphs that encompass everything I am feeling.

So I'll simply start with words.

Thankful. In awe. Free. Happy. Excited. Small. Big. 

On fire. Eyes opened. Heart untied. Exhausted, 

but never more filled with PEACE & JOY.

Saying that the first month of summer was a struggle for me would be a very large understatement. There were moments where I really would have preferred just dying and going to be with my Jesus. I cried most days; due to food, isolation, and of course about him. 

But like all things in this world, it passed; and the joy has come! 

Weeping may endure for a night,

but Joy comes in the morning!

Psalm 30:5

The turn around all started with a trip to Hermitage; which is always something I'm wary of. "Home" has a tendency of bringing to the surface many old memories that I'm unable to handle. As I wrote about earlier, the trip began with a melt down. That melt down was key, and necessary; along with forcing myself to go through the "boxes of stuff" in my closet. I didn't sort, throw away, or give away anything. I didn't read letters, spend too long looking at pictures, or hug stuffed animals. I opened the way too big boxes. I then began transferring things from the containers I needed, into one large NOT SEE-THROUGH trunk. Then, I shut and locked it.

You see, I needed all of those containers to pack up my things for my apartment, but didn't think I would be able to handle going through the things. Thankfully, I had come across something very important the night before. It was a notebook filled with letters. Letters written by myself during a time of distress. Written to a boy who I wanted to fight for me. I was 17, and broken; still trying to figure out how to put God in His rightful place.. FIRST. I almost didn't read the letters, thinking "the enemy" would use them to throw me right back into a fit of anxiety. Yet for some reason, I felt a peace about doing so. I sat down on the couch, and spent 30 minutes reading through every single tear filled letter. Every angry word, and pathetic plea for his heart. Every accusation, rant of jealousy, and moment of insecurity and weakness. I read through it all. I read all about how I wanted him to put Jesus first in his life, all the while putting the boy first in my own life. I was a hypocrite. (aren't we all?) I was broken, and I was hurting. I was seeking love and affirmation from a person who could never fully give it to me. I finished reading, and I cried a little bit for that girl. Yet rather than making me over think the situation, the letters spoke truth to me. The letters told me, "YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THAT GIRL." And I quickly responded, "I'm not that girl anymore, and never will be." Rather than feeling sadness or remorse, I felt freedom. I immediately remembered exactly what every hour of that month felt like, and realized that I no longer felt that way. I no longer felt that desperate need for his approval, or all of his attention. It was then that I realized, that part of my life has passed, and I have no desire to go  back. I will always, always, ALWAYS, be a work in progress.. but I feel that I have honestly entered a whole new stage in my walk. My deepest desire will always be that one day, he too can find the freedom that I have found. I will never stop caring, but the time comes when you must turn to the next page of life. Because by staying strong IN THE LORD, I have found freedom, IN CHRIST.

Food. Oh gracious. This past week I was a counselor at Lighthouse Christian Camp, and was in charge of 8 sweet girls from the ages of 9 to 11. Originally I planned on bringing protein bars with me for lunch and dinner, but decided last minute not to. If I had no other food with me, I would be forced to face my fears and eat whatever the girls were eating. I am so glad that I did. When removed from my normal surroundings, the people around me no longer had expectations. If I ate a bowl of chili, there was no one around me to say, Woooah, is that healthy? Look! Haley's eating a hot dog! Flour tortilla chips?! Way to go Haley! Is Haley eating MEATLOAF?! I also didn't feel the need to constantly point out when and why I was about to eat something unhealthy. "I'm about to eat these marshmallows, but there's only 2 of them. Did you know that even though marshmallows have sugar in them, they have ZERO FAT?!" I didn't have to do any of that, or feel guilty or pressured about anything I ate. My cabin girls loved the fact that they always got Miss Haley's rolls, cookies, noodles, cake or ice cream. In exchange of course for whatever vegetables on their plate they thought were disgusting. "Hey miss Haley! I'll trade you the noodles in your spaghetti for the tomatoes in mine!" "Miss Haley I'll give you my salad if I can have your corn dog bites!" DEAL. Nobody was examining every bite that I ate, and I knew that. Therefor, I could just eat, and be. It was helpful to know that all the meals were planned, and portioned out. There was no snacking throughout the day, or food lying around to binge on. Just 3 meals, and sometimes a designated snack time where the girls could grab a bag of chips and a drink. I was able to make food decisions to please myself, rather than others. I've never had people purposely try to do so, it's more so due to the image that I've created of and for myself. I really love healthy foods, and I love being healthy. Man, I hardcore chowed down on the salad bar last night when all of the staff went to pizza hut. So all of that said, I feel I've made a small step in that area as well. :) It was nice being away from anything I knew, but also very comforting to have Katie and Tamara with me. Neither made any sort of fuss about my food choices, but it was nice having them there in case I began to have issues. It was also nice being able to feel a little bit proud about my overcoming of those fears, and being able to share that with them. Really, honestly, I love them a whole lot. College has given me way too many incredible friends. Ahh, I am so blessed beyond measure.

I fell in love with my girls, and was paired up with the most amazing lady. Miss Mandy and I made a pretty tight team. Our girls were hilarious, and sweet. Seriously, I could not have picked a better, more diverse group. My heart would just melt every night getting to go around to their bunks; hug, kiss on the head, "I love you very very much! sweet dreams, get some rest!" All the squeezes I got back, or the shouts when I missed a girl. I've never felt so much joy than from loving those girls. I loved hearing about their struggles, their families, or even just listening to their jokes. I especially loved their little screams and squeals when they finally got to see my ear lobes without metal in them; at the very end of the awards on Friday. HILARIOUS. Other girls ran over to our little corner we had tiptoed over to wanting to know what all the fuss was about. "Sorry girls, cabin 5 secret!" That was our deal:"If you push through the week of homesickness, I'll finally take out my earrings and let you see!" DEAL, said my girls.

Seeing the brokenness of so many girls, and how desperate for love they all were tore me up day after day. Some nights I felt overwhelmed and helpless, while other nights I considered adopting them all. God definitely put me with my sweet girls for a reason. Love my little baby dinosaurs so much, I really can't put it into any more words than that.

I'm really torn right now, trying to decide if I should go for another week. My heart is at that camp, but I leave for Africa on Saturday. I have stuff that needs to get done, but that camp has girls that desperately need to be loved. A year from now which will I regret, going.. or not going? I think I need to go. Praying for God's wisdom in it all!

I'm excited to be in Africa with those sweet kids as well, but I'm feeling very unprepared! I keep thinking there has to be something I've forgotten to do, or learn, or sign, or buy. Honestly, I don't think I could every be fully prepared. I've never been to Zimbabwe, so I don't know what to expect. I don't know how much money I will need, or how cold the weather will be. I can't be prepared, and that's nerve wracking. But, I trust that God will have me as prepared as I need to be. Definitely have to do some heavy shopping today if I plan on going back to camp!! 

I will have limited Internet access in Zimbabwe, so I will be updating my blog from there off and on. I'd love having people keep up with the ministry I'll be doing there! :) Thank you all for the prayers and financial support regarding all of this.

PS-GREAT NEWS. As of today, I have raised.. drum roll please.. EXACTLY $3,600!

This morning I added together my purchased plane ticket, my cash, and my most recent checks. It totaled at $3,590. My brother was sitting next to me and I said, "Dang! I could pull that out of my wallet and be done with it! But, I'm going to trust that the Lord will provide all of the money." He said, "Do you have two tens?" I said that I did. So he pulled out his wallet, handed me a 20 dollar bill, grabbed a ten, and said, "There, you're done!" It feels good to have it all raised, and to know that the Lord provided EXACTLY what I needed, exactly when I needed it. I also thought it was pretty cool that the very final contribution to my total $3,600 was from my sweet brother. God is so neat in that way. So now, if any more money comes in this week, it's a blessing and a little financial padding for extra Zimbabwean expenses. But, so far God has provided exactly what I need to get to Zimbabwe. Feeling so grateful for all of the support people have given. Whether it was family, friends, teachers, anonymous donors, people I have never met in my life, or my best friends mother. God in the way he knew needed to happen. The required money came, and God will get the glory from that. :D