How can God use our stories if we don't share them?
Today is the day..
that I ended the relationship between my finger and my throat.
Today is the day, that I began the beautiful, though often rocky,
relationship between my belly and food.
Today is the day..
that I ended the relationship between my finger and my throat.
Today is the day, that I began the beautiful, though often rocky,
relationship between my belly and food.
I like to think of it as my
FOOD-IVERSARY!
April 2, 2011.
April 3, 2011
Yesterday, I made a decision. (I think Ashley actually made me do it) I told TJ about my eating thing. I'm going to get better. I've been getting my period weird, and sometimes twice a month. I'm falling everywhere, dropping everything, bruising constantly,
sleeping all day, eating barely
sleeping all day, eating barely
anything, and throwing up what I do. I'm taking laxatives, weighing myself at least 75 times a day, and lying to everyone. I am out of energy. My goal was 100lbs by prom. Yesterday, I was at 103. This has gone too far, and has overtaken my life. This is where I take my stand. TJ doesn't understand how hard this is, but he wants to help. I just destroyed the family scale.. this is all good. Going to be REAL healthy. Numbers can't matter, anymore. I suppose this journal will end up being about my STUPID recovery from this STUPID thing. I guess I didn't realize how big of a deal it was until it seemed like it was my life. It alone, was my life. It made my decisions, not me. All I wanted was control, and in the end, that's exactly what I lost. -Haley
THE FIRST MEAL
Delicious right?
A candy bar, half of a pizza, and a sugary gas station cappuccino.
That's totally the best idea for a stomach that hasn't
kept down more than 100 calories a day for 6 months.
I was so smart. My first meal made me cry, but I kept it down.
Up until New York, that was the last time I ate pizza.
I started eating only healthy food within the next few days..
because..
FIRST BREAKDOWN.
April 5, 2011(3am)
Definitely made progress today.. Tuna and lettuce for dinner.
I worked at 4. I ate a few cookies.
At 9pm, I saw my stomach and went hysterical.
(Pushing it out the way I normally would;
to see if the food I had ingested had made me fat)
I hid in the closet.. at work, and cried.
Left, went to TJ's 'til midnight.
He made me tell mom and dad everything.
Much progress.
Lots of crying at work, but, it's all part of it I suppose!
Got to get to my new final goal..FREEDOM.
Freedom from numbers.
LoveLoveLove,
-Haley
April 5, 2011
So, I definitely slept right through school, and until 6:30pm..
That's okay though. Ate some oatmeal, yogurt w/ cheerios,
and a lean cuisine for dinner. Hopefully, I stay feeling okay.
Mentally.
Because physically, I feel bloated, have a stomach and head ache.
I should exercise.
-Haley
(Later)
Still feeling very well! I can only be me. That means I have to love me,
as me, for me. I must have confidence. I must BE confident.
Haven't found a cute lunchbox yet. I have to find the PERFECT one.
Having salad, with grilled chicken, and raspberry pecan dressing,
for lunch tomorrow. :)
Going to work out, and then figure out what I'm going to do about school.
Then, I should probably get some more sleep. I can do this. Confidence.
April 6, 2011
Booo. Worked out all day, but I feel yucky from dinner. :(
But I have to stay strong tomorrow still. Yuck yuck yuck.
I CAN DO THIS
-Haley
:(
(Later)
I only put healthy food in my little tummy,
so a full belly is always a healthy belly.
Need to watch some "ThinkOnTruth" tonight definitely.
Mm, love love;
-Haley
Babies and hair and teeth,
babies and hair and teeth.
April 7, 2011
Feeling kinda yucky today, but still having a good day with TJ.
I've been feeding my tummy.
Lovelove
-Haley
(Later)
For God did not give us a spirit of fear,
but of power, love, and self control.
2 Timothy 1:7
For some reason this verse is important; and is suppose to be in my life.
It's too recurring not to be important!
April 11, 2011
I am doing so well! :)
I have good days, bad days, and good days with weak moments;
but I am so strong.
I must STAY strong.
Food you must have, food you must eat.
LOVELOVELOVE;
gotta still work out though.
-Haley
June 11, 2011
This beautiful recovery.
The world is a wonderful place when your tummy is filled
and your body is strong. Falling in love with health.
I told TJ this the other day;
I feel 10X stronger and more in control by being healthy
than I ever did by not eating.
It's wonderful.
I just found this poem that I wrote in 10th grade.
I am from Texas trips,
and half day drives.
Grandpa's house with lots of knives.
4th of July with light in the air.
Swimming in the dark without a care.
I am from an average family,
like the ones you see on TV.
That is just what people think.
That is just what they see.
I am from where I see that I've been,
in the videos I watch one more time.
From a book full of poetry,
whose words do not rhyme.
I am from Sissy's advice,
my brother's trust during tension.
My grandmother's love,
and my father's confession.
If you did family research,
and dug deep into my genes.
you'll find only people.
There are no kings or queens.
That's where I'm from.
--
I have a bad habit of defining myself by my past. It's just something I tend to do.
I really think that poem is a good example of that.
I am, who and where I've been.
I am, what I've been through.
Is that normal?
I hope so.
ALSO..
Prom.
Prom was so wonderful.
I didn't need to weigh exactly 100lbs to feel pretty.
TJ and I both had an incredible time.
They even had healthy food at prom, and I ate all of mine;)
My body is perfect as my body.
Now to just continue making it stronger.
Awesome.<3
LOVELOVELOVE!
-Haley
June 15, 2011(1am)(Vegas)
Beauty is this.
Beauty is scales in every bathroom, and the self control to not weigh myself.
Because I don't need to know. Honestly, I don't want to know.
I know I'm between 103 and 120, and that's all I need to know.
I like me, and my body, and food.
This is beauty.
I don't need to weigh 100.
I am in love with life,
I am in love with being healthy.
Lovelovelove
-Haley
June 23, 2011
at the beach, in a bikini.
PERSONAL GROWTH.
Tuesday,
when we went to the beach, I ate a sandwich and pretzels.
AND I DIDN'T PUT MY TANK TOP ON!:)
This is amazing. Gettin' my tan on in 85spf.
Taking care of myself.
JoyJoyJoy.
Back to relaxing!
LoveLoveLove!
-Haley
July 1, 2011
Went to a movie today, and I ate a little bit of popcorn. I feel gross from it.
I actually thought about throwing up.:(
I also have a horrible head ache.
Bleckk, I am bigger than this.
LoveLoveLove
-Haley
July 15, 2011
Why is it that months can go by,
yet it only takes a split second to feel like I'm back at square one.
I spent 20 minutes today laying down in the shower crying.
Why? Because I didn't like what I saw in the mirror.
I feel like I've come so far, made so much progress, then this.
I feel disgusting, unappealing.
Lazy, fat, my skin is beyond gross.
Who would want me? Who would like me?
Why do I feel like this, all the time?
-Haley
July 26, 2011
Ew. I don't know why this is such a big deal to me.
Weight. Size. Food. Exercise.
Friday, instead of going bowling with my friends,
I had a movie night with TJ's family.
Obviously I really wanted to see TJ,
but I felt too gross, and fat, to go out.
I didn't feel pretty in anything that I put on.
I let it affect how I live my life.
Ughhh, and tonight, I ate a little bit of ice cream
out of the container while making Cody and ice cream cone.
It's never worth it.
I never do it, and it should stay that way.
I can't ever make it okay with myself.
Boo, yuck.
lovelovelove
-Haley
August 15, 2012
I feel like I've had a great past couple of days.:)
I went to the fair with my friends, and had a picnic today.
I feel like I've actually got this whole eating thing under control.
At the fair, I just looked around for a long time until I found
something healthy to eat. I just don't let myself eat bad stuff,
and for the most part, I feel okay. :)
It's incredible.
I generally eat between 1,000 and 1,500 calories a day,
but not on purpose.
I just only eat healthy foods,
and I eat anytime I'm hungry.
I don't say no.
ahh,
Lovelovelove
-Haley
This is where I've come from,
and that was just the beginning of my journey.
For me, it will never be over.
But I will fight the fight 'til the day I die.
God is good, and I am grateful.
:)
-Ps-I've had the best food-iversary ever.
My 8am English professor brewed coffee for us,
I had a protein bar for breakfast.
Tofu and mixed veggies for lunch,
& a chicken sandwich on wheat for dinner.
I can't lie, I am very blessed. :)
And tomorrow at Common Ground,
a guest speaker is coming to talk about breaking free from addiction.
Say whaaaa?
:D
