Don't you hate it when realizations smack you in the face?
Well, in a sick way, I kinda anticipate it.
I pray for them. I BEG for them.
*God reveal to me where I am broken.*
Usually He replies with, "Hales, you are broken in every way imaginable."
Me: "Crap."
I always want specifics.
I want Him to point out ONE major thing that I can begin working on.
"Show me what I need to fix about myself God, and I'll do it.
I am a do-er. Just tell me, clearly, and I'll get right on it God!"
Hopefully everyone reading this is quickly realizing my BIG flaw..
and hopefully it didn't take you as long as it took me.
"ME,ME,ME. Let me DO! I am self-sufficent. Just give me instructions God..and I'll take it from there. Not really sure if you can be trusted with the "doing" part of things, God. That's my forte. You plan, I'll do. And I'll plan too. Heck, why don't I just plan myself, and then do everything all by myself. I'll give you all the glory though, and do it in your name, God, don't worry."
I know God's probably up in heaven like,
"Hales, I don't want the crappin' glory for whatever that is you are doing down there. You are a hot mess right now. Your plans are going to crash and burn, like every other time. So please Haley, don't even try saying that I had anything to do with it. Your search for freedom is a futile one, because it's all wrapped up in your pride. Your freedom journey should be so infused with Me that you don't even have room left to worry about you. Let me plan, and let me do. GIVE IT UP, and then we will talk about Me being glorified."
Okay so I don't know that crappin' or hot mess are in God's vocabulary, but try to stick with me here.
I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't. I have tried, and fought, and sought, and done for so long.
My faith is small, which results in my prayer life slacking. My pride is large, which seems to contradict my self-esteem which is lacking. I am broken- into so many pieces that often I think, "it's beyond repair."
I don't know what from my past I have left to work through, or why it impacts me in ways that I can't put my finger on. I am broken. Truth. We are all broken. The more important truth is that we serve a God who is not. Actually, we serve a God who is Healer of all things broken.
I've been going through this Bible study called "Breaking Free," and I realized something. I have this huge fear of being fooled. I always knew that I feared being proven weak- but fooled? That's a new one. I know why, but I suppose I never realized how much of an underlying issue it still is in my life. What really shocked me is the fact that it has carried over into my relationship with THE Father. I always knew that daddy issues supposedly carried over into our relationships with the heavenly father.. but mine are all "fixed." My relationship with my dad is awesome, and my childhood hurts were largely due to my lack of maturing and ability to understand. Plain and simple: dad's aren't perfect, and I was too young to understand that. In my mind, my dad was the absolute definition of perfect. When perfection was shattered, I think I developed a fear of ever being fooled again.
Even by God.
I don't want to later be disappointed when He doesn't come through, like I fully believed He always would.
You see, humans, without a doubt, will fail us. They will let us down, eventually.
My dad has actually said that to me before. Something along the lines of:
"Haley, I love you, but eventually I will let you down. I'm not perfect, and I'm sorry for that.
I will always do my best, but I will inevitably let you down at some point or another. I'm sorry in advanced."
I have a pretty great dad. I highly esteem him. All of the things that he tells me, I believe to be true.
Yet, I seem to have developed this hard outer shell, because as a child I was hurt.
As a twelve year old child, I realized I had been "fooled." (For my own good, I assure you.)
Deep down, I never want to be fooled again.
If my expectations of God are small, He can always meet them.
BUT, if my expectations of God are high, or heaven forbid, PERFECTION?
Well, then I'm just setting myself up to be duped all over again.
To be a disappointed little girl who was fooled all along.
I have issues, I know. This is me working through them. ;)
ANYWHO-about that book I'm going through.
I started putting together a lot of the pieces of my childhood, and my refusal to ever be fooled again.
To be tricked.
"I am no fool."
Then I read this scripture, which I'm sure I've read a million times before..
it suddenly clicked:
2 Corinthians 2:11a
"In order that Satan might not outwit us.."
You guys, I'm going to admit something that is difficult for me.
It's true. I've been fooled. I've been tricked. Duped. Outwitted.
I've been outwitted by the enemy, for far too long.
My God, is incredibly powerful.
My God, can (and desires to) do immeasurably more in my life.
My God, can (and is willing to) heal me.
Completely.
For years, I've been outwitted.
But listen to the second part of that verse.
2 Corinthians 2:11b
"FOR WE ARE NOT UNAWARE OF HIS SCHEMES."
Oh boy. Hah, I can't help but feel a little mischievous in reading that.
Like,
"Suck it Satan, I know what you're up to! I am NOT unaware."
Why don't I direct my suspicions on the rightful owner, the enemy.
I was let down by my father, not because of Christ working in him,
but by the enemy trying to take him captive.
My dad is a loving, Godly man,
but just like me, was fighting daily for his freedom!
1 Peter 5:8 says,
"Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion,
looking for someone to devour."
I fear being weak, vulnrable, fooled, or submissive.
Well dang, looks like I've spent most of my life being all of those things.. just towards the wrong people!
When I am weak, HE is strong. But I can't be weak towards the enemy.
When I am vulnrable, HE shines through! But when I am weak towards the enemy, I can be devoured.
I refuse to be fooled by the Lord, though He is not capable of fooling. It is literally not in His nature.
Yet I have listened to the author of lies, and allowed him to fill me with doubt and uncertainty.
I can not allow myself to be fooled by the enemy.
I have quickly submitted to a porcelain god, made beautiful by the lies of the deciever.
But I fear submitting to the Holy God of all mankind?
He who loves me, died for me, sent His own son for me, has forgiven me, has great plans for me, carries me,
and can ultimately heal me.
I don't think it's safe to submit to That Guy?
Man you guys, I've been duped.
John 8:32
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
Here's to refusing to be fooled,
by the guy who is the author of lies.
:) Because I am not unaware of his schemes.
Hales.
Daughter of the Most High King.
