So here I am. Blogging once again after 7 months. Life has been CRAZY. Life has been unbelievably incredible. Yet somehow, I've managed to find myself in a spout of depression for the past week or so. There's been a constant sadness, a fog seeming to reach my very core. I've somehow forgotten what hope feels like, and the tunnel feels never ending. I say all of this with the sidenote that I'm pulling out of the cloud. I'm currently resurfacing, and dad says blogging usually helps me put things into perspective. He says I need perspective. Like I always say, I try to have my life motto be one of transparency. Lately, I've been depressed. Purposeless. Hopeless. Joyless. Robot going through the motions of the past 2 weeks type stuff. Not pretty I tell ya. I'm resurfacing though.
I suppose I write with the assumption that readers know every detail of my current life happenings, which may or may not be the case. Tyler and I have been engaged since April, and at the end of May he moved an hour and a half away to Tullahoma. He's got a big boy job there and is living in the apartment that will eventually be my home too. We're getting married in January you guys. Like, less than 6 months from now January. I could not be more excited or at peace with the knowledge that he's the one I'll spend the rest of my life with. It's surreal how at peace the whole thing makes me feel. He's the one I've been waiting around for and being prepared for. It all fits together far too perfectly. We've been doing this whole long distance thing for the past few months, and it's kinda a pain in the butt. I don't say that to be blunt or ungrateful for the fact that I have him at all, because I promise you he would stand by my side in agreement on that statement. We don't like being apart, but we're making do. We can see logical reasons why we are where we are, but it doesn't mean we have to love the situation.
I've been here in Cookeville interning at a place called Mustard Seed Ranch for the summer. I absolutely LOVE the girls home I've been placed in, and am so thankful for the experiences I'm getting to have here. I'm taking way too many summer classes, and free time isn't really in my vocabulary anymore. Unfortunately when I do have "free time," I'm at a loss for what to fill it with. I've reopened an old addiction to Grey's Anatomy in order to fill the oh so rare 45 minute segments of freedom. I've gotten into a routine, and have been so very thankful for the 24/7 non-stop action going on in my life. It keeps my mind occupied. All the sadness started with free time. Time to think. Time to become even more so discontent with the fact that it's only July. This time period of my life will probably end up being one of the most impactful and memorable I'll ever have, yet all I can manage to think is that it feels a lot like limbo. Not the game that I use to be good at before back problems and things of that sort, but the Catholic weird in between two places place. I'm planning for the future. I know where I'm going, and who I'm going to be with. I KNOW all of those things, and they are really really really desirable things. They're things I'm looking forward to more than you can imagine. Therefore, the fact that it's July makes me not so happy. Why you might ask? Because July isn't January, and it's as simple as that. July is just more limbo.
So what is depression? Why do we feel it? The bigger question, one that I so often find myself asking this week: How do I climb my way out of this pit? I even drew a pathetic diagram in my journal trying to accurately depict where I am. It was an incredibly intricate drawing of a pit (not really). I drew a frighteningly accurate drawing of myself at the bottom of the pit (once again, not really. unless I'm a stick person). The pit had steep smooth walls, with everything that brings me hope at the very top. Unfortunately, the hope for things to come was also located at the top of the pit, very far out of my reach. Joy, and January, and even Tyler were up at the top of that pit. Hope, and peace, and light were up there too. I sat and prayed over my pathetic drawing, asking how to get out of the pit. "How do I climb out?" I know the churchy answer. I know what Beth Moore has told me time and time again, which is that I can't climb alone. But sitting at the bottom of that dark and slippery pit, there was nothing that could make me feel more hopeless than "you can't". Sometimes I pray things, and I only believe them at face value. They're prayers I say because I know to some extent that it's a valid thing to ask. I know that it's truth I'm speaking. Sometimes when I pray those things, I don't really believe what I'm saying any deeper than that. Face value. I said, "God I can't climb. Pull me out of this pit. I can't climb. Pull me out." Mostly because that sounded like something Beth Moore would tell me to pray, and she usually knows what she's talking about. I still feel a little "off" and I'm sad that it's July, but I'm getting there. I'm not seeing all the things at the top of the pit quite yet, but I have hope that they will come. I find hope in their existence.
The Summer semester will pass, as will the Fall. This season is fleeting, but not insignificant. Today I wrote in my journal a few simple words.
"I will be okay."
I wrote it a bunch of times actually, because I have to hope and believe the words are true. Even when I can't see the light, I have to believe it is there. & even when I can't quite grasp joy, I have to have faith that it will return.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2-4
I have that permanently scarred across my back, so you think I'd live it out a little better. I always forget about the verse that immediately follows, yet it seems to fit so well currently.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like the a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."
James 1:5-6
So this is me, saying and believing, "God please pull me all the way out of this pit. Thank you, for listening to my doubtful prayers. I ask, with full belief, that you would pull me all the way out. Help me to find joy through this trial." And all the people said? (say it with me) Amen.
-Hales
Wow. Do I serve an almighty, prayer answering, loving God or what? Blogging really does give me perspective. I have had the most incredible turn-around in my mindset. I feel joy again! It started around Thursday, when I felt myself being lifted out of the pit. But man oh man did I feel it Friday. I woke up Friday morning feeling incredibly refreshed, and spent an awesome day with my Mustard Seed girls. I spent the night watching my two favorite kiddos in the entire world (aka my future flower girl and ring bearer;)). I talked with two of my greatest inspirations/role models/friends/mentors (aka their parents). Saturday morning I slept in, went to the pool with one of my sweetest friends, and then watched my MSR girls until midnight. Friday and Saturday were full of crazy all over the place plans, but I felt such joy! I felt so much like.. myself. It felt like breathing again. It felt like hope. It felt like purpose. I surprised Tyler in Tullahoma for church on Sunday, and for the first time in a long time, I felt "there" at church. I felt alive, and I felt thankful. Even though I hate us being apart, I left Tullahoma feeling alive and thankful.