ALSO, here is my latest support letter for ZIMBABWE! :D

April 23, 2012

Hi there!

My name is Haley Jacobs, and in the past year, the Lord has turned my world upside down. In August of 2011 I began attending Tennessee Tech University. I visited the BCM (Baptist Collegiate Ministry) that first week, and was shown a video about a trip to South Africa. On that trip, students would be working with orphaned babies living at a place called “The Door of Hope.” Many would be sick and/or dying from AIDS. My walk with the Lord was in a pretty rocky place at that point, but I distinctly heard Him say to me, “I need you to GO.” My first thought was, “I am not at all in the right place to be spending a month doing things in the Lord's name.” Regardless, I went back to my dorm and wrote in my journal about everything that had happened that day. At the very bottom of the page I wrote, “Oh and by the way, I'm going to Africa this summer. I don't know how or why, but I have to go.” For the next few weeks I thought I was crazy for even considering the trip, but time after time the Lord confirmed for me that I needed to be going. As the months went on, I grew in my faith tremendously, and the Lord gave me such incredible joy. I knew that it had definitely been the Lord telling me to go, and I also knew that my relationship with Christ was finally in the right place. In December, I turned in my application, and my deposit. It was official, I would be spending a month of my summer in Soweto, South Africa! I began to pray about it a lot, and I also asked many other people to be praying for everything surrounding the trip. This was the prayer list that I gave to many of my friends and family:

Haley needs your
support through prayer

• 1.Be praying that there will be open opportunities to share the gospel.
• 2.Be praying that God will provide the $3,600, in his timing.
• 3.Be praying for the babies.
• 4.Be praying that the Lord provides young men to volunteer & work on the outer wall.
• 5.Be praying that this will be an opportunity for her to grow in her faith,
  & that it will be necessary to trust in the Lord always.

This part of my journey began in December. Since then, crazy things have been happening! All of these things have done nothing but strengthen my belief in the power of prayer. I guess I'll start with prayer request number 1. I had a growing fear of a lack of witnessing opportunities. I would be spending my summer being the hands and feet of Christ, but with women who were already saved, and babies not old enough to understand. I knew it was where the Lord had called me, but was praying that the Lord would provide unexpected opportunities to share Him with those who did not yet know the truth. To my great surprise, a very large change was made concerning our trip just this April. Somehow, the Door of Hope had received TOO MANY volunteers, and there had been a miscommunication between the missionaries. I will now be spending June 16^th through July 18^th in a village in Zimbabwe, called Bulawayo. I won't be working with infants, but older school aged orphans who can actually understand the things that are being done for them. We will get to provide them with notebooks(something that is very rare/special/needed) whose covers tell a cultural story that teaches the salvation message. The books also have the message of True Love Waits. These notebooks will open the door for countless opportunities to share the Gospel. Volunteers can visit the schools and share testimonies, conduct True Love Waits Rallies, and distribute the exercise books. Normally, this sudden change of plans would have thrown me into a fit of anxiety, but I felt the strangest sense of peace regarding the change. I began to see prayer request number 5 being answered. I was tested in my faith, and forced to be flexible. Although I was a tiny bit nervous, I trusted that the Lord had a plan for my month in Zimbabwe! I also definitely saw number 3 be answered, because those babies have TOO MANY people to love on them this summer. How incredible is that!? Number 4 was shortly answered as well, and we had a guy step up and decide to serve the month with us! Considering the fact that we previously had only four girls going, him deciding to go was a much needed answer to prayer.

Seeing how faithful God has been in answering these prayers gives me complete confidence that number 2 will be answered as well. I have to buy my plane tickets this week, and so far the Lord has provided EXACTLY the amount that is needed to pay for them. I still have around $1,600 left to raise before I am able to go, but I trust that the Lord will provide it in His timing. I am so excited and ready to be in Bulawayo, eating Sadza for every meal, surrounded by the Shona and Ndebele languages. God has big plans for this trip; not only for the children we will be serving, but also for the five of us college students going. My heart is already bursting with love, and breaking for their stories.. and I haven't even met them yet. I can't even BEGIN to imagine the crazy works that the Lord is going to do through this trip. Habakkuk 1:5 says:

“Look at the nations and watch- and be utterly amazed.

For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe,

even if you were told.”

I already can't believe what He is doing, and I've watched it all happen! How much more incredible and unbelievable then are the things I have not yet seen Him do? God is so good. I'm so excited to have all of you as a part of my prayer support team, and thank you for absolutely any form of support you are able to give in helping me follow the call to GO! I pray that this letter finds you and your families doing well, and that you can be as encouraged as I am by the Lord's faithfulness.

Much Love,

Haley

PS-As of May 30, I only have $400 left to raise, so praise be to God! Only 4 days left of fundraising, and 18 days left until I climb onto that plane headed for ZIMBABWE!!!!!!
So excited! :D

Here's a very quick and rushed update.

I am doing, GREAT. Seriously, feeling so peaceful lately. I did some reading the other night from my senior year, and was just blown away by how my mind worked back then. I was aware that I had grown since then, but I barely recognized the girl writing those letters. Rather than crying or feeling tortured by reliving those painful memories, an hourly account of my month of hopelessness, I felt relieved. Letters written that would never be given. I felt the strangest sense of freedom knowing that 19 year old Haley doesn't experience THOSE feelings anymore. I'm free to be. After almost 30 minutes of reading, I finished and though to myself, I never ever want to be that girl again. That poor pathetic miserable girl. That psychotic, selfish, controlling, manipulative, needy, angry, insecure, girl. I got a little taste of reality and figured out that I'm not as much as a crazy pants as I thought I was. Now 2 years ago? Crazy Pathetic pants FOR REAL. In conclusion: I will not go back to that place, and I will wait for the plans the Lord has laid before me. I will wait, because I choose to never go back to that place. I choose to stay free.

Totally going to jinx myself right now.

The other day, my best friend Ashley and I were laughing about how mad we get at God sometimes.. for answering our prayers. We ask him to help us grow, or teach us patience, or how to rely on him. We ask him to clean out the bad from our hearts. He always seems to come through  quickly with those kinds of requests. It's so true though; we ask Him for things and then end up being angry when he answers. Unfortunately, growing, learning, and fully relying, usually aren't easy for us humans. The past few days, heck, the past few weeks, for me have been pretty much full of meltdowns. I feel like I have two huge things I struggle with. If I'm not dealing with one, I'm dealing with the other. And sometimes struggling with one, throws me into the other. The most recent meltdown was related to my issues with food. You see, even through my "recovery" I have created standards for myself that are impossible to reach. I've created an image of who I am, and what I want to be..and it's based on what I eat. When I don't meet it, I beat myself up. I, like anybody else, feel a lack of control when it comes to food. I feel a lack of motivation when it comes to working out. In the beginning it seemed a lot easier to not snack, or binge, because it ALWAYS made me cry. An Oreo? Would probably make me cry for 3 days. But now, my reaction to one sweet thing usually isn't so bad. I'm growing in that area, though sometimes I wish I wasn't. You see.. I still don't WANT to eat those kinds of foods. In a perfect world for me, those foods would not exist to tempt me. Therefore when I actually feel tempted by those foods, which is often at this point.. I am so embarrassed when I "cave" and eat them. Because really, I don't want to! Being and eating healthy is so important to me, that I end up being disgusted with myself. My dad made a really good point when he reminded me that it all comes around to pride. I'm still prideful about the way I eat. I want to know I "eat better" than everyone else. Or just in general that I'm "awesome" at self control. (I'm not.) If I don't eat perfectly, I don't want people to know. I'm not sure what I need to do to be transparent about how much I'm struggling, but I'm going to try. Secrets and shame are not something I think He intended for us as believers to have.. I keep having to remind myself of that. So here goes nothing. Something I've really been struggling with since college started is binging. I get stressed, or bored, or sad, or nervous, and I just snack. Usually on very healthy things. But sometimes, at 3am in the Jacobs' kitchen, I go into compulsive snacking mode on not so healthy things. That's what happened a few nights ago. I had been eating incredibly healthy, like psycho Haley healthy, not doing ANY snacking, and going to the gym every day.. so I was feeling pretty good about my awesome self-control and discipline. Then, 3am came around, and I'd been lying in bed wide awake for about 2 and a half hours. I went downstairs to make some tea to calm myself. Kitchen, bad idea . I ate spoonfuls of the most random crap, back to back, for 15 minutes. I wasn't even hungry, which made me feel so out of control. I knew I didn't want to be eating those things, but I couldn't stop. I seriously would be mortified if anybody could have seen it. By the end of my crazy binge, I didn't even really know how much of what I had eaten; Only that I felt so much guilt. I screwed up, and I hadn't been in control of my own actions. I was going to gain 5 pounds, immediately. I was sure of it. I ran upstairs, and stood in the bathroom staring in the mirror. Having a conversation, a battle, with my own eyes. "Are you going to do it? Will it be worth it? But you've come so far." I literally got as far as my kneeling position by the toilet, wondering if there was any way to reverse what I had done; without it technically being considered "making myself" throw up. "Should I not use my finger? My toothbrush? How can I make this go away?" And then I started to cry , uncontrollably. I ran downstairs before I could make the rash decision to act on my thoughts, and woke up my parents. They talked me through the overwhelming lack of control I was feeling, and prayed over me. I'm not past this, and I probably won't ever be. Like a said before, wounds don't always heal, sometimes we just struggle with them differently. Thankfully I don't have to struggle by myself this time around. Feeling like a child as it was, I did what 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, and 18 year old Haley would do. I grabbed Jake from my parents bed, went up to my room, and cried to him. It's terrifying to think what would happen if that dog could talk. He knows too much. He just licked my face like a crazy-dog until I was laughing too much to cry anymore. Finally, sleep came.
Here is the part of the blog post where I screw myself over. I admit outside of my own thoughts that I am doing okay today. I'm feeling at peace, and hopeful. I woke up at 9:30 this morning, threw on some makeup, and went on a breakfast date to Ihop with my brother. I also found a one piece bathing suit at Ross for Lighthouse Christian Camp. I'm going to be a volunteer there in 2 weeks! I'm ready to be there! We drove home, and I went running for awhile. I feel good, really good. Later today I'm going to get to see one of my really close friends from middle and high school, Kristen. I'm really excited about that too.:) Today feels right. I feel like myself again. We'll see how long this lasts, but the important part is that I always find my way back to this place. Or, should I say, He always carries me back to this place. I'm going to go have my quiet time, and hope that He shows me something awesome! God is good, all the time. He is enough, always.

Feels like "woe is me", but accountability is key.

Seriously though, I feel dumb typing all of this. I should be able to handle things a lot better this far along in the game. I'm "home" in Hermitage, for the next week and a half. Summer; feels like a desert so far. I've grown so accustomed to constant structure, that this past month of free time with my thoughts has been making me crazy. I know they say time heals all wounds, but I'm slowly learning that to be untrue. I don't think that wounds ever fully heal, they just hurt differently. They change with time, and we're able to handle them more appropriately. Some days, they hurt just as badly as the day we received them. And some of those days, we deal with them exactly the same way we did in the beginning. Crying, sobbing, calling our moms to talk for 5 hours. Sometimes things happen that re-open wounds, and sometimes 10 things in a row happen that re-open wounds. Wounds that already hurt enough as it is should not have to be re-opened so many times! It quickly can feel like the end of the world. Thankfully, it's not.. it only feels that way. The thing that changes, is how we look at those wounds. Less like baggage, and more like battle scars. Life here on earth, it isn't suppose to be easy. God never ever said that it would be. Even as believers, we are forced through plenty of trying circumstances. My soul knows the truth, and wants things that are so much bigger. My soul knows that this life here on earth is short, but that it will live on forever. My flesh though, is another story. My body, my brain, my heart, the parts I have to die to every day, fight to control me. My thoughts would love to consume me, and often they do. During those moments, those days, sometimes those weeks; I have to fight for five seconds of clarity, in order to remind myself of what is real. What is true. Yes, that happened. Yes, this hurts. No, he doesn't understand. & therefor no, you can't be angry. Yes, he's really with her. No, in the big picture it doesn't affect you. But yes, it does still hurt. Yes, you've been made new. Yes, God is trying to use you. Yes, God has the power to put you with exactly who you need to be with. Yes, it could be him. No, dwelling on it ever second won't make it happen. Yes, you're fighting against your own cause by trying to be in control all of the time. No, you acting like a crazy-pants doesn't make the Lord love you any less. Yes, life will move on. Yes, you are loved. Yes, you will be taken care of. Yes, God is good. Yes, God is sovereign. Yes, God has a plan.

Geeze, I feel like I'm Peeta Mellark after the Hunger Games.

God has a plan. Real or not real? Real.

(Yes.. Shaina, Shelby, and Megan. I just compared myself to Peeta.)

See, even now I feel more clear headed just from listing off and accepting a few truths. I think the Lord must be trying to get my head in the right place before I leave for Africa, and clean out some of the hurt. This is all just spiritual peroxide, and I'm the 7 year old sitting on the sink crying. My Dad up in heaven is looking at that wound saying, "Haley I know this hurts, but it's GOT to be cleaned out. You'll end up with not just a wound, but with an infection. Yeah it may leave a scar, but that will serve as a reminder for next time around. Let me take care of you.. let me lead you." Okay God, a little more than 24 hours later and I've already tried taking it back from you. "How did that work out for you?" says God. "Not so great," says the pile of tissue by my bed. Back at square one, but so much stronger.

So this is me, giving it back. Again.

Does the devil know where I'm weak or what?

Contentment can't remain undisturbed for more than 12 hours.
Barely recovering from our contact as of last,
and rebuilding the destroyed foundation of where I find my worth.
Resting my eyes for an hour or two,
after a day of feeling spiritually rejuvenated.
BOOM like a wrecking ball, mocking my progress.
This is a step.. this must be a step.
I had to decide to accept the Lord's help..
before He would allow me to be tested once more..I suppose.
Like Job, except I'm sure Job hurt worse than I.
Yes Lord, I will trust you.
No Lord, I won't grab the wheel again.
No matter how hard I may have to resist,
You must remain in control, lest I crash and burn.
Crying on the floor is not what you've called me to do today.
When I try to handle this whole thing myself,
the wrecking ball does plenty of damage.
But with you, I think I can stand against it.
You have the power to open eyes, any time you desire;
and my self-pity does not affect that.
I'm going to pray hard, for hearts.
But not for myself in the aspect of he,
other than that you provide wisdom for I.
Some hearts just can't see the truth yet,
and their words come from that place of misunderstanding,
and hurt. Words hurt. Being ignored hurts. This hurts.
You define me. You define me. You define me.
Yes- the devil may know my weaknesses,
but You are my strength.
Pep talk to myself.
You can do this you can do this you can do this.
Let Daddy handle this one Haley.
And I mean that in the heavenly sense.

This is me taking a moment,

to be completely honest, and break the cycle.
I've been struggling, as usual,
with keeping my eyes on the present.
My eyes have been on the past;
and fantasizing about a future that may or may not exist.
Leaving present day Haley?
Begging the Lord for things that may or may not bring Him glory.
BEGGING AND CRYING, heart broken--
praying my motives were pure.
So this is me, not giving up, but handing it over.
I won't ever give up, close, lock, or bolt that door.
I will always hope;
but I can't live my life standing in the doorway.
That's what I've been doing.
I have this crazy notion that if I think about something hard enough,
dream about something hard enough,
stuff will start happening.
If I manipulate things in ways small enough to seem like coincidence,
things will go the way I've imagined.
That's not how life works, and that's not how God works.. unfortunately.:P
This is not me saying I'm giving up on anything.
This is me saying I'm done acting like a crazy-pants.
This is me handing something over to God,
that was never really mine to begin with..
even if it's the 110,807th time I've had to hand it over.
This is not me being all "Jesus-y";
or "look at how awesome I am at overcoming things-y".
This is me admitting that I have issues,
and a crap ton of doubt.
This is not me being transparent about not my past sucky-ness,
but my current sucky-ness.
Because honestly?
This is hard, and most days hurts more than I ever thought possible.
But even more honestly?
He can take care of the things I love much better than I ever could.
So tomorrow morning, I may (almost definitely will) have to do this all over again.
But at this very moment, I'm full of asparagus and happy.

Don't you ever wonder if there's more?

I know you must, because I know that I did. It is simply human nature. It's the void inside that makes you wonder from time to time, is this all there is to life? We live, endure, then die. No reason, no purpose that carries on to something bigger. The only hope that exists is the chance of a spark that feels something like happiness.. yet even that seems to be missing something. Just make a name for yourself the best you can, so that people will never forget you; While your body rots in the ground and you cease to exist, knowing and caring not whether your name is still spoken. We set goals for ourselves, in order to fill the ever aching void in our hearts. GOAL, make this relationship work. GOAL, be the best musician ever. GOAL, make perfect grades. GOAL, find "freedom" by avoiding goals. GOAL, win the girl. GOAL, make him fight for me. GOAL, weigh 100 pounds. GOAL, never be sober enough to realize all of the above is true. GOAL, work my way to the top of the company. GOAL, have a perfect outward appearance. GOAL, make sure everyone likes me. GOAL, finally make my father proud. GOAL, avoid emotion that requires weakness or vulnerability. Pick your goals, create a "purpose", and become inwardly depressed when you realize the void is still there. Even if you meet every goal you have set, the void carries on. Yet the goals have met, and your so called success.. do not. When you look at things from that angle, life becomes meaningless. If we cease to exist the second our bodies die, these goals we've reached, and purposes we have fulfilled, in the end are meaningless. Not to mention the fact that while trying to attain them, the void never left. Not for a single second. When I was 13, I wanted to commit suicide. This was my mindset. There is no god, there is no point, this life is simply meaningless suffering. Honestly, I'm not surprised that I wanted to die. Who could ever be happy living in a world like that?

Now let's look at it this way.. what if there is more to life then just these surface things? What if there is a whole other depth yet to be understood? What if we do have a purpose? One that not only gets rid of the void, but also has results that carry on. What if life isn't meaningless.. and in the grand scheme of things lasts no longer than the snap of your fingers? What if those fingers were delicately created by someone who made you for a single purpose, one that will be shown to you day by day? What if your body was created by someone who purposefully made it, every crevice and lump? That would change your perspective huh? What if our purpose.. our sole purpose.. was to glorify the one who created us? Suddenly, EVERYTHING becomes so clear. GOAL, make my relationships glorify God. GOAL, use my music to glorify GOD. GOAL, do my school work in a way that glorifies God. GOAL, find freedom through glorifying God in everything that I do. GOAL, glorify God by trusting Him in the waiting period. GOAL, let my body glorify God.. not become an idol. GOAL, glorify God. Goal, work in a position that God needs you to bring Him the most glory. GOAL, love people in order to bring God glory. GOAL, honor my mother and father, glorifying God. GOAL, be weak and vulnerable, because that's when God gets the most glory. WOW. So the suffering, it still exists. But the void? It's gone! The joy? It co-exists with the suffering. The peace? It's always there. If you sit and wonder long enough if there's more to this life, you'll realize there absolutely has to be. Take 3 seconds to open your front door and look around. Yeah, sure, that just appeared one day without being created. That makes a whole lot of sense. Still skeptical, but suddenly questioning everything you thought you knew to be true? When you're ready to know the truth, take 3 more seconds and say these simple words to the Lord. "Open my eyes and change my heart."

I'm writing this blog, because it's what so heavily on my heart; Because I have family and friends who do not know,  boys I love whose eyes are closed, and a heart that is broken for them all. He has made everything beautiful in its time, and I must trust that His time is better than my own. <3

Romans 1:19
"They know the truth about God because He has made it obvious to them. For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature."

Jesus said in Matthew 7:7-8
"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."

Habakkuk 1:5
"Look at the nations and watch--and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told."