This summer, is going to be such a journey- I can already feel it. I see on the horizon, healing for my soul, opening of eyes, and growth beyond measure. You see, this semester has been crazy, as every semester is.. and I've become suddenly aware of how broken we all are as humans. Specifically, how broken I am. I have wounds and scars which I'd convinced myself did not exist, yet am missing out on such freedom; which I pray to experience by the time this summer comes to an end.
I've continued to struggle through fear and a constant striving for perfection. I crave control, and there is a lovely little habit I run to when I begin to feel it slipping from my fingers. Before long, my little friend which I initially am in charge of slips it's sly fingers around my wrists, and drags me to a point of utter submission. Before long, I am once again worshipping a porcelain god whom I equally desire and despise. The cycle ends here. The idolatry ends here. So, maybe this summer isn't the beginning of a brand new journey, but rather the continuation of one I've been wandering along for years. Once again, I am giving up the control. I am giving up my expectations of perfection, and accepting that I fall short of the glory of God. I'm filled with anticipation, excitement, and a nice amount of fear. I fear that once again I will fall on my face, and that this cycle will never end. I fear that food and weight and bodies and vomit and exercise will never make sense to me. I fear that my view of each of those things will be forever tainted. I fear that my expectations of this summer will be too high, and I will be left disappointed when I am unable to reach them. Balance isn't a thing which I am well acquainted, yet I pray that one day this will be a distant memory. A struggle, like many of the others I have experienced and overcome, which I will feel no temptation or anxiety towards. I pray, that one day I will find complete freedom. But for now, I am choosing to begin down this path of recovery, to continue my journey of healing, and to daily give my expectations of my summer to the Lord. To those random readers who have confusedly stumbled through this post, please be praying. There's a bit of a war going on inside of me lately, and I need any prayer I can get. God is good, and I know He has a plan I can not imagine. I've been allowed to struggle through this for so long, but I also know that God is sovereign. He has a purpose, and all I can do is trust that He will walk me through this crazy time.
James 1:2 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds. Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything."
Romans 12:12 says, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer."
& Jeremiah 1:19 says, "They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord.
Constantly, I have to remind myself of these truths.
This summer.. oh man, this summer.
Let the journey begin!
