Seriously though, I feel dumb typing all of this. I should be able to handle things a lot better this far along in the game. I'm "home" in Hermitage, for the next week and a half. Summer; feels like a desert so far. I've grown so accustomed to constant structure, that this past month of free time with my thoughts has been making me crazy. I know they say time heals all wounds, but I'm slowly learning that to be untrue. I don't think that wounds ever fully heal, they just hurt differently. They change with time, and we're able to handle them more appropriately. Some days, they hurt just as badly as the day we received them. And some of those days, we deal with them exactly the same way we did in the beginning. Crying, sobbing, calling our moms to talk for 5 hours. Sometimes things happen that re-open wounds, and sometimes 10 things in a row happen that re-open wounds. Wounds that already hurt enough as it is should not have to be re-opened so many times! It quickly can feel like the end of the world. Thankfully, it's not.. it only feels that way. The thing that changes, is how we look at those wounds. Less like baggage, and more like battle scars. Life here on earth, it isn't suppose to be easy. God never ever said that it would be. Even as believers, we are forced through plenty of trying circumstances. My soul knows the truth, and wants things that are so much bigger. My soul knows that this life here on earth is short, but that it will live on forever. My flesh though, is another story. My body, my brain, my heart, the parts I have to die to every day, fight to control me. My thoughts would love to consume me, and often they do. During those moments, those days, sometimes those weeks; I have to fight for five seconds of clarity, in order to remind myself of what is real. What is true. Yes, that happened. Yes, this hurts. No, he doesn't understand. & therefor no, you can't be angry. Yes, he's really with her. No, in the big picture it doesn't affect you. But yes, it does still hurt. Yes, you've been made new. Yes, God is trying to use you. Yes, God has the power to put you with exactly who you need to be with. Yes, it could be him. No, dwelling on it ever second won't make it happen. Yes, you're fighting against your own cause by trying to be in control all of the time. No, you acting like a crazy-pants doesn't make the Lord love you any less. Yes, life will move on. Yes, you are loved. Yes, you will be taken care of. Yes, God is good. Yes, God is sovereign. Yes, God has a plan.
Geeze, I feel like I'm Peeta Mellark after the Hunger Games.
God has a plan. Real or not real? Real.
(Yes.. Shaina, Shelby, and Megan. I just compared myself to Peeta.)
See, even now I feel more clear headed just from listing off and accepting a few truths. I think the Lord must be trying to get my head in the right place before I leave for Africa, and clean out some of the hurt. This is all just spiritual peroxide, and I'm the 7 year old sitting on the sink crying. My Dad up in heaven is looking at that wound saying, "Haley I know this hurts, but it's GOT to be cleaned out. You'll end up with not just a wound, but with an infection. Yeah it may leave a scar, but that will serve as a reminder for next time around. Let me take care of you.. let me lead you." Okay God, a little more than 24 hours later and I've already tried taking it back from you. "How did that work out for you?" says God. "Not so great," says the pile of tissue by my bed. Back at square one, but so much stronger.
So this is me, giving it back. Again.
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