Been M.I.A. far too long.

Words- like droplets of water fill my thoughts. Accumulating into a disarray of emotion, until my mind is flooding. Like all things flooded, the result is overflow. BURSTING from the crevices of my mind, and spilling onto paper.

My words tell a story which my mind never could;

placing each droplet precisely where it should-

Go- it's all my thoughts do.

     Never stopping

          or pausing

               they simply accrue.

Pencil hits paper, and I've discovered the true meaning of release.

I desire to write for the same reason that one drowning desires to breathe;

because it is needed, undeserved but life-giving.

Writing has never been an option, but rather a way of living.

Always struggling to find the words that meet my need;

yet in the end, the words were what found me.

   

     My summer so far has been like nothing I could have ever imagined. I've been a BUSY bee! I'm working 20 hours a week between 8 and 4:30, babysitting my favorite little ones a few days each week, going to bible studies, hosting open houses at the bcm, and making some really incredible new friends. I'm going to a bible study that my sweet apartment complex neighbor leads on Friday mornings, and driving straight from there to yoga at the BCM. I spent a few weeks getting little to no sleep, watching sunrises at Bee Rock, or talking for hours upon end. I then became very sick with a horrible cough.. probably because I wasn't sleeping.. and lost my voice for two weeks! Who would have thought a summer could be so jam packed? Only I'm capabable of that. In high school, I was never involved in anything, because of fear. I think I now fear there being anything in existance that I'm not involved in. It seems I've gone from one extreme to another. I can be so black and white in my thinking.

     I've found a counselor here in Cookeville, and we've been talking through some really interesting things. As you may know, my eating disorder was my main motivation for seeking help. We have been focusing in on my OCD a lot more though, as it seems to be the root of all evil. :P
     I've been thrown a few curve balls so far this summer, and you would think I would just expect them at this point in my life. It never fails though, things always catch me off guard and take me by  surprise. Why do I still expect God to teach me things that I think He will? Why do I even try guessing what He's going to do in my life next.. haha.

    I'm learning that the more time that passes, the more I love people in their brokenness. I ache for them, and desire to see them healed! I suppose that's a good thing, considering I want to go into children's counseling. It's a tough thing though, because it can easily cause me to carry burdens I shouldn't. I just really love people, and that's not a statement I ever would have thought I could honestly say. I love their brokenness, their quirks, and hearing their hearts and their stories. I love connecting the dots between their childhoods and their struggles. I don't ever want to be in a place where people and their problems are projects to be repaired. I just want to love people.

     Now here's the tricky part- I have to learn to not feel responsible for other people's hurt. (I do, I always do.) I have to learn how to trust God with the people I love. (I don't, I really don't.) & I have to be humble enough to realize that my hands are not the most capable ones for them to be in, because I don't have within me the divine power to heal hurts. (God does though..) If I allow myself to be "that person", it's likely they'll come to me before God, and that's definitely not a situation I want myself or my sweet friends to be in. Obviously it's never my desire to practice or encourage idolatry. (Though I am quite sure I often do both.) Of course I like to feel "needed", but I have to accept that I am not God.. duh. Of course I like to feel that I have a "purpose," (I do have a purpose.) but it is to bring glory to God.. not myself.

    So here's to loving people enough to place them in God's hands. Here's to my brother, roommates, girls I disciple, best friend Ashley, and unsaved friends. Here's to my parents, grandparents, cousins, and family who is lost. Here's to my once second family, teachers, and Zimbabwean children. My friends old and new. Here's to loving my people and letting them go; knowing God always picks up where I'm lacking. It's a hard but important lesson to learn, lest my heart break in the process of trying to love in the future. Trust God. Trust God. Trust God.

-Hales

Bee Rock, June 11, 2013