This is me taking a moment,

to be completely honest, and break the cycle.
I've been struggling, as usual,
with keeping my eyes on the present.
My eyes have been on the past;
and fantasizing about a future that may or may not exist.
Leaving present day Haley?
Begging the Lord for things that may or may not bring Him glory.
BEGGING AND CRYING, heart broken--
praying my motives were pure.
So this is me, not giving up, but handing it over.
I won't ever give up, close, lock, or bolt that door.
I will always hope;
but I can't live my life standing in the doorway.
That's what I've been doing.
I have this crazy notion that if I think about something hard enough,
dream about something hard enough,
stuff will start happening.
If I manipulate things in ways small enough to seem like coincidence,
things will go the way I've imagined.
That's not how life works, and that's not how God works.. unfortunately.:P
This is not me saying I'm giving up on anything.
This is me saying I'm done acting like a crazy-pants.
This is me handing something over to God,
that was never really mine to begin with..
even if it's the 110,807th time I've had to hand it over.
This is not me being all "Jesus-y";
or "look at how awesome I am at overcoming things-y".
This is me admitting that I have issues,
and a crap ton of doubt.
This is not me being transparent about not my past sucky-ness,
but my current sucky-ness.
Because honestly?
This is hard, and most days hurts more than I ever thought possible.
But even more honestly?
He can take care of the things I love much better than I ever could.
So tomorrow morning, I may (almost definitely will) have to do this all over again.
But at this very moment, I'm full of asparagus and happy.